I’m pretty young, but I probably really severely screwed up my life. I used to be normal. I had a ton of friends, very social, girls liked me, and i was a decently popular. People actually liked me. Then my junior year of high school came around. It was actually the best year of my life, until the end of the year came. I had been hooking up with a girl who I thought would have never even touched me. I used to actually get upset because i thought nothing would ever happened between us. I was wrong, and i still to this day wish i was right about that. She expected loyalty from me but never thought she needed to be loyal at all. We had some good times together don’t get me wrong, but she was way too close with all her guy friends. Eventually i couldn’t take it. It would stress me out and even her friends would notice. I ended it but it was mutual. She said she also had felt like this wasn’t really working out either. That’s when things started spiraling out of control. I found Xanax and that seemed to be my solution (i was a weed smoker, everyday but functioning, no one ever thought it was a huge problem, just a bad habit) One little pill and all my worries about everything in life were gone for the night. This became an issue though. I hung out with criminals, took Xanax everyday, and just wanted to die. All because of this girl.Eventually all my friends abandoned me due to my drug use, and I had no one left. I guess people would see me high, drooling, falling asleep and they didn’t wanna be around it. Back then I hated them for it. I felt like everyone had abandoned me. Looking back now I guess I don’t blame them, but if it were me I think I’d try to help my friends no matter what, unless it was going to physically harm me (which I never did, I was never violent). Either way I just realized people don’t stay around forever, and I made different friends. Only a few though, and I was judged by almost everyone else in my high school for my open drug use (another thing i wish I could go back and change, i took Xanax and posted me drinking lean on my snap story).Then the first week of high school came around. I hated school by this point. I should mention I have a super late birthday for my grade, so I didn’t have a drivers license, but everyone else did. Between that and how I felt like everyone hated me and stared at me for being a drug addict, i couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the first 2 days of school trying to hold my head up high and telling myself “fuck what they say it really doesn’t matter” but between that and fights with my parents, I ended up calling in sick on the third day, and the second day of senior year ended up being my last day of high school ever. I lied and told my friends I was moving to another school 15 min away in the town my father lived in, but I just dropped out. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I was an outcast and I felt laughed at and embarrassed.Life got better after that. My dad works long hours everyday, and stays at his girlfriends house every other weekend, so I basically had his apartment to myself. I also got my license a month after I dropped out (once I was old enough, prob a month later). Since my dad was never around, I drove his Bmw everyday. I also started selling weed and drugs to the kids that still respected me. So from September til March, I lived in my own apartment, driving a bmw, selling weed. I thought I was living a dream life. People began to hang out with me again, and even if it was only for the things I had, it felt good. I loved life. Even the girl who had broken my heart a few months before came back around. But of course, my stupid ass took Xanax before we hung out and while driving on them i had lightly tapped 5 different cars. She got scared (i can’t blame her at all, feel terrible to this day) and left with another friend she saw on the road. I had fucked that up. Then i met my current girlfriend. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and supported me no matter what. Somewhere in between this time, i was selling weed and was robbed and had a knife stuck up to my face. I started taking even more drugs, specifically Percocets. Fake ones, laced with fentanyl (didn’t know at the time). I only took these because my anxiety made me think I wouldn’t last very long having sex with her. I was right, so percs became an everyday habit (if you don’t know, they can make u go from lasting 30 seconds to 2 hours). I didn’t even realize the effects it had on my personality and my emotions. From there, COVID hit, and I had to quit the pills bc I couldn’t get them. Ended up having a seizure from Xanax withdrawal. Girlfriend has stuck by me (thank god for her, seriously the only good thing to happen to me in the past year) so while I only have 2 other friends, I see her everyday and that helps a lot with my depression. But between being robbed at knifepoint and probably the drugs, I am anxious and scared to go anywhere remotely dangerous. I shake when I go into stores. My voice trembles. I have joined an online community college but going in and seeing the other kids makes me think one of them could easily follow me out and stick a knife to my face at my car. I scan every room I go into. I live in a huge fear of being jumped and robbed or even worse, stabbed or killed. At random. I stopped selling drugs and doing anything that could get me into any dangerous situation. I don’t even like to buy my personal weed from an actual dealer, I prefer to order it, although my anxiety isn’t crippling enough that i cannot buy from my dealer. What is even worse is that I live in a very upper middle class neighborhood, so there’s very little to trigger this anxiety yet somehow it pops in my head every single day. I can’t live like this. I hate my life and don’t see how I’ll ever be able to finish school or get a job, because of the people who attend said school or work at the job. Does anyone have any suggestions? Life is way too much of a struggle now and I feel I’ll never be able to function normally or be happy. Thanks via /r/NEET https://ift.tt/3cWQSYh
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