They never want to hear the real reasons

They’d ask me if I had kids. I’d tell them no. They’d ask if I was married. I’d say yes. They’d ask why no kids. I say they aren’t for me.“You’re still young! You’ll change your mind. You’d make a great mom! Kids are a blessing!”The infuriating irony? These people know the “surface” me, the polite quiet me. The joking silly me. The kind me.But they don’t see the pills I take for depression and anxiety, pills I wouldn’t be able to afford with a kid. They don’t see the bile rising in my throat or the anger in my eyes when I think of carrying a parasite in me for months and being degraded down to just “____’s mom”, all my intelligence and hobbies overshadowed by what my offspring can do. They don’t feel the bitterness when I think about how I never asked my dad to pass down his mental illnesses and abandonment issues, or my mom to pass on her family history of cancer and obesity. They don’t know the disgust as I think of everything a child would steal from me from my time and money to my relationship if the strain was too much, a relationship I put more than half my actual fucking life into making work. They think cuz I take care of animals I’d be a good mom while to me the animals are my kids. I feel more of a connection to them than most people!They don’t see how a kid would bankrupt me, how my house doesn’t have space, how my paychecks barely support me and my husband. They don’t see how I look at my relatives with kids and think “Christ I could never”, cuz it’s partly I really couldn’t and partly I just don’t want to. Hell, I’m still a kid myself! I fucking collect video games and cute stuffed animals and dresses with pretty black lace!But most of all they don’t see the fear when I think of it. Cuz I know I’d hate it. I’d hate it from conception to birth, the hate would fester in me. It’d bloom into this wound in my heart and I’d take out my hate on it. I’d lose my temper, I’d scream, I’d hit it, I’d ignore it, I’d push my problems on it, I’d push it away, I’d abandon it, I’d just wish it would die. I know I would cuz that’s what my parents did to me. They don’t know I’m a fucking monster and I’m not having kids for the child’s sake just as much as mine.But I can’t tell anyone that because they don’t want to hear it, they just want to see I can keep myself and three animals who can already do 95% of thing needed to live by themselves so they judge me “worthy” of destroying my body just to bring another doomed child into the world. If I even hint the truth all I get are hard stares in return before they throw out the “you’ll change”. via /r/childfree https://ift.tt/34asyOv