I want to feel human again, and maybe I'd get some help here. I come from a far away place, and English isn't my first language but to give everybody an idea, I come from a conservative background, zealously conservative, you know: the negative kind. I started my life as a normal happy kid, nothing special in my life, financially doing very well, one percenter parents.When I was at the age of six, something happened that changed my life, I was in the elevator that takes me up to my house (apartment building) and there were these older kids, who basically took turn fucking me. Every time I go down to get myself some ice cream from the grocery, one of them would pull down my pants and put his cock in my ass for a few seconds until the elevator makes it to my floor. This happened many times and I didn't really pay much attention to it since I was completely oblivious about sex, and the fact that there were many boys who were all silent made me assume this is all normal. This happened for almost 6 months until we moved out to a different house due to my father expanding his work to another city.The new place was safe and all is well. Then as I grew older we would travel back to my country for summer as we always do every year; I made friends with a guy whom I liked to play with. I was 12 and he was 16, he introduced me to porn/sex and said we should try it sometime. I agreed, he stroked my dick a little then made me suck his cock until he came and never returned the favor, he is a cunt indeed, luckily he developed a serious chronic illness as we both grew up and I am happy about it. This went on for 2 more summers. We played hide and seek and he fucked me in the ass while we hid. We were the best players in the neighborhood, masters of hiding, nobody found us throughout the whole game and they would play without us anyway cause we would simply disappear. I grew older and since my conservative background didn't help much explaining sex and sexuality, I did muster up the courage myself to say no, he stopped; it was all good.Until the next summer, to my surprise, he had told a neighbor of ours who was 21, I was 14 at the time, about this... He invited me to his house to help with his computer (I understood computers well at that age) and surprisied me with the fact that he knew about it all and that if I don't do as he says, he'll tell everybody including my family about my "gay" escapades with that other guy. I was frozen in fear, I agreed, he fucked my throat until my face turned blue and he came twice, and after he was done he chucked me from the first floor to his backyard so I can sneak out and return home before anybody noticed I was gone.I remained silent, something in me broke. I returned home and that day my whole view of the world shifted. I don't see human beings, only hungry animals. I don't understand or acknowledge kindness, it seems to me as though people are only kind when they have to be, either to further their means, or to maintain the facade of decency for more stealthy exploitation, or out of fear of being crushed when faced with a tougher animal.I grew older and having that world view has kept me from being weak. I do whatever it takes to get a job done. I studied hard and became a doctor, very good at my job, people always remark about how kind and affectionate I am with my pateints, my friends, and my significant other. I'm healthy and in shape, don't do any drugs.On the surface, it all looks well. Only problem is... I don't give a fuck about them all, I don't give a fuck about anybody, I don't give a fuck about myself, my family, my patients, my image. Nothing feels good, sometimes I wish I can be abused by the ones I love for a change. I get no fulfillment in accomplishment of any sort, no matter how glorious or mundane. It keeps my drive high, my achievements high, but deep down, I'm cold as ice. I did some crime secretly, didn't get caught, nothing too stupid or harmful, but there was no guilt. I don't feel happyI don't feel.And I don't know what to do. They say chase your dreams, I am chasing them, why do I not feel anything? Not even worried about the future no matter how uncertain it may be. I envy people who get scared or get hurt, one time my ex girlfriend fucked me up and shook me with her betrayal, got over it quick and moved on more powerful than ever.I want some struggle, some pain, I feel empty. I don't like it and don't know what to do. I can't see a shrink cause I'm a physician myself and I have a background on psychology, they will numb me with drugs that will make me stupid so no, suck my dick and be gentle with the teeth. Any advice?TL,DR I got raped and it turned me into a strong person yet I'm too cold to experience emotion and I don't want psychiatrists cause I am a professional in the feild too. Help me feel again via /r/abuse https://ift.tt/36dKABU
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