Im leaving home, I’ve accepts I have a nmom and I’m struggling so much

She was always controlling, I was never enough, you guys know the deal. I guess I never wanted to admit who she is because then I’d be alone. My dad left when I was a kid. The rest of my family isn’t much better and they all buy into her sob stories, believing that even though I’m moving now, I’m obligated to take care of her financially, emotionally and mentally until she dies.All my friends have relatively normal families. My boyfriend had issues with his religious parents, but they are on good terms nowadays. I feel so alienated from everyone, so lonely. It just hurts so much to know I’ll never have an actual family. My bfs parents treat me really well, but they are not my parents. They aren’t my family.I had an abusive relationship, which is kind of a pattern. I carry so many traumas and scars. I get triggered by the smallest things. I always wonder whether I’m right to be mad, sad, angry or if I’m just being crazy, like I’ve been taught I’m since childhood. When someone asks me something, first I’ll wonder what they want me to answer, not what I actually want. I’m programmed to meet everyone’s needs and put everyone above myself and I have a hard time not doing that.I’ve been in therapy for two years, and that has helped me see things and get the courage to leave. However, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m too much. There are so many normal people out there, with normal parents, normal families, why would anyone ever want to be around me in any way? And those who are, when will they get tired and leave? I feel like I’m too much trouble and not worth the effort.All of this has gotten a thousand times worse since I’ve signed my contract and began arranging things to move out next month. I’ve never felt so lonely, I’ve never felt so distant and separate from everyone I know, from myself even. I keep thinking about ending everything because I don’t whether I’ll ever actually learn how to live. It feels like it’s too late for me.I’ve worked so hard to be financially stable (she used my money), to have a reliable job, a healthy relationship and actually move out, but now that I got here, I feel lost, lonely and like life will just be more pain and suffering. I hate how screwed up I am.Tl;dr: admitted mom is narcissistic, am about to move out and feeling lonely and high maintenance as hellEdit: accepted* autocorrect via /r/raisedbynarcissists https://ift.tt/2S5WYeY