Many members of my bumper sub messaged me sent me this way to seek commiseration after receiving the good ol' r/relationships treatment of "you need to leave him!" If only it were that way! I wish I knew who to talk to about this type of stuff- but sometimes it just helps to hear an outside perspective. This is my throwawayHere it goes and if I start to get weirded out, I'll just delete it or something.---I’m in my mid-30s and my life is pretty together. Except for my husband. Ever since we had a baby (which he really really wanted,) he has been horribly depressed and going off the deep end. Now, I get it. Our life with a child is WAY different from our expectations. We expected our life to be a lot like our friends’ lives- that our parents would come give us a break so we could shower, or mow the lawn, or just breathe for 5 minutes. However, my parents are dead and his parents have shown zero interest in being a part of this baby’s life and they live in another state. I’d imagine this is heartbreaking for my husband and when I ask his parents about it, his mother expresses resentment that her son moved so far away from them. My husband refuses to discuss it and claims he is not depressed despite being on antidepressants.Okay, so his parents suck. We carry on. Our life as parents is miserable. My son is two now and I love him more than anything in the world, but it’s super hard because there are no breaks. (And I think this is the part that my bumper sub may not fully relate to. There are NO breaks. I mean, I've never had someone come over and hold the baby. Ever. He started daycare at 1 year old, and that's the first time someone other than us has even touched him. There is no help. Zero, guys.) We both work full time and my husband has morphed into someone I don’t recognize. Literally. He’s now over 300lbs at 5’9 and binge eats fast food secretly in his car every day or almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. I literally never see him eat, but sometimes see entire empty cake platters or boxes of donuts through his car window. He naps in the middle of the day and spends his every free moment watching YouTube videos or playing on his phone. His depression frequently manifests as rage directed at me and he is incredibly unpleasant to be around. I have anxiety just knowing he’s coming home from work because I’ll have to walk on eggshells and not talk to him for fear of setting him off. And everything makes him upset- the dog barks, the baby cries, I suggest the blue sippy cup- everything. In a traumatic event, he’s lied to my face and even told me he’s going to convince the court I’m crazy and take my son from me. When I called him out on his lies, he became incredibly aggressive and refused to let me leave the house. He thinks I need to just up and forgive them for these types of things, but I just can't up and forgive! I need to heal!This is soul-crushing and so hurtful. Who is this guy?! He refuses to talk about these issues of shattered trust and so they remain unresolved. We sleep in separate rooms and he sleeps in an armchair because his obesity-related sleep apnea is so severe. We barely speak, we definitely don’t touch because he kind of grosses me out and not just from the lying. (Although that repulses me too.) He sometimes goes days without showering and weeks without brushing his teeth. He’s been hospitalized twice for throat abscesses and has had to have multiple teeth pulled for neglecting his oral hygiene. His eating habits cause some pretty disgusting bathroom issues for him. I am so sad for him and it frequently feels like he wishes I was miserable too. He seemingly hates me and has bent over backward mentally to villainize me- for example, if he doesn’t get me a present for my birthday, he says it is my fault. We tried marriage counseling for a few months, but perhaps our counselor wasn’t the right fit for us as she was always trying to get my husband to pursue that flashing light therapy and it didn’t resolve much. He needs more help than her worksheets about forgiveness.He sees a psychiatrist a couple of times a year who prescribes him two different antidepressants. He takes one of them and I don’t think he tells her the whole picture of what’s happening in his life. It’s possible he doesn’t see how severe it is despite the fact that I tell him.When he’s not around- my life is calm. I have a wonderful, fulfilling job that allows me the flexibility to spend lots of time with my son. I take him to playgroups and the science center and hang with other moms. I have hobbies I’m passionate about and pursue them every day after my son goes to sleep. And I’m really good at them. I see a counselor who gives me techniques to cope with the anxiety my husband brings me and has encouraged me to find new, supportive friends who push me to do more with my hobbies and make me feel loved and appreciated. However, my counselor thinks I should leave my husband to protect myself. My husband is emotionally abusive, but I could never do that to my son. For one, I live in a state with 50/50 custody no matter what. Even if my husband beat me nearly to death, he’d still get 50% custody. I wouldn’t want to subject my son to my husband’s rage and eating issues. I can protect him and keep him away from that if he’s always with me. Secondly, splitting time between two households is so detrimental to children’s development and wellbeing. There’s that feel-good argument that you’re showing your child an unhealthy model for a relationship, but research shows that is generally just something people say to justify their divorce.My kid needs a dad and he needs one stable home. I’m looking to sell my house and buy one with an extra bedroom for my husband to stay in. Because he’s so unrecognizable and kind of disgusting that it creeps me out that he goes in my bedroom. I’m changing my sheets after he watches YouTube videos in the bed because he’s covered in huge pimples and boils. He is a coward who refuses to confront his problems or even talk to me. When I confront him, he reminds me that I wouldn’t be able to maintain the house or work or go for a morning walk without him around and it feels like I’m in a hostage situation. He's fricking right! It would be so difficult to do my job!Bromos, I just need some hope. I know he needs help but I can’t make him get help. I will suffer through this for the rest of my life if I have to if it means my son has a better life. But damn- it is so hard. I am so lonely and so sad. He is repulsive. Can I live like this until my son is an adult? Is it selfish to wonder what my life will be like if I am never touched again? Kissed again? Have sex again? Is there an option I’m missing? I've read about separated parenting and stuff like that. So before you go into, "just leave him, girl," well, it's not that simple. Has anyone been here?SignedThe hostage. via /r/breakingmom https://ift.tt/3cCuVNV
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