Before I start this, I probably won’t kill myself, I’m an uninteresting pussy who will probably waste away the rest of his life doing boring shit until I eventually kick the bucket. It’s just everything now makes me want to more and more.Where do I even start? I guess to preface, I’ll tell you that I’ve always been kind of weird, and also have always had pretty bad OCD. Constant intrusive thoughts and tics have consumed my life since I was 10.I’ve never had to many friends, just made friends with whoever I could and that was that. Most people think I’m pretty weird because I was just kinda way odd when I was like 11 or 12 and couldn’t control it. Not anymore though, but that stigma sticks I suppose. I don’t mind it much, being alone, it isn’t that bad. I’m a junior in highschool, btw, 17 now. I kinda have a good group of people I talk to and care abt, but only a few close friends.Just as life went from being bad to not all that bad, it went to worst case scenario. Over the past 8 months-ish, several of my friends have died. So young too. 3 friends of mine OD’d on drugs, including two really close ones. Another kid I knew, who got tied up with the wrong crowd and was involved in drug trades, was just shot dead a few streets from my house two months ago. I had to sit at his funeral and listen to people tell lies about how good and perfect he was, they don’t know what he was involved in, they think it was just a random shooting at a drug deal. He wasn’t bad at heart, but he certainly wasn’t an angel. Seeing a dead friend at a wake is always surreal. And three kids I know have killed themselves in the past five months. One being my closest friend. We got into a fight a few nights before. He called me the night he did it, I didn’t answer. Next day, boom, he’s dead. I still don’t believe it. How is it real? Is it my fault? I’m waiting to wake up. He put a 12 gauge in his mouth and pulled the trigger, how? My mind bounces between guilt and hatred. How could he do this? How could he leave me and others behind? Why? I couldn’t even see his face one last time at the wake, it was blown to bits beyond recognition. I didn’t attend the funeral, I knew I would get mad hearing people tell lies like they always do at funerals. Why do people lie about the dead? If I kill myself, I hope someone gets up at my funeral and tells everyone how much of a coward I was. The ultimate cowardly act, suicide.My parents think I’m weird, and they’re right I suppose. Why don’t I have friends or a girlfriend, it just cause I’m weird and I don’t care to try. I’m a disappointment in their eyes. One time my dad told me I was supposed to be born retarded, and he thinks I might have actually been born with social autism. That kinda hurt. One time he said something along the lines of that everyone’s different in their own ways, but it’s hard for him to accept. I think he’s trying to be nice, but he really sucks at it. My mother flat out hates me, or is like bipolar. She always wants to be right, and acts like I’m some autistic kid who constantly fucks up and does terrible things, but I never do much of anything, really. My brothers were way worse, yet she just assumes I’m doing bad things because, I’m her words, “you act too weird to be up to any good.” Maybe that’s true, but I really never do anything. I sit in my room all day now. Most of my only close friends ever I have somehow hurt or they’ve died. I feel like a disappointment to everyone. I’m not cut out for life.Sorry if my post is boring or whatever, I just need to vent. via /r/SuicideWatch https://ift.tt/30cRYd4
No comments:
Post a Comment