Hi everyone, first time using Reddit. I am a 27 year daily Cannabis smoker. I am 45 year old male from the south, USA. Married with 5 kids, well young adults. Youngest 16 / oldest 22 & all have been so awesome and near perfect throughout the years. I can still remember we had 4 in diapers at one point of our lives. Now that’s a lot of crap. I have held the same professional job/business since I was 15. I have been a habitual Cannabis user since age 18. If I did the math right that’s 27 years of my mind & life hijacked by the plant. Started with swag then on to KB. I progressed through the cycle as it seems most that become dependent do. To the point of everyday habitual use. I use pretty much any chance I can do so and get away with it. I don’t worry about looking high. B/c I don’t look, feel, or believe I get high anymore. Hell I earned my Blue Belt w/2 stripes in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu stoned and I did very well. Very complex, mentally & physically challenging. You have to learn it cognitively then practice, and be able to apply while under a lot of pressure/stress. Lots of blood, sweat, & tears. You can’t find a more effective martial art and active meditation type activity. Anyway, I have a deep need to know, see, and be the other person in me I want to become. Today marks DAY1 of sobriety. I am saddened by the years lost to the numbing mind, that I don’t have any emotions attached to my memories. I have only tried quitting once in my life- for one day around 6 years ago. But rage, depression, fear & the PAWS brought me right back. In the 27 years, I can literally count the days I’ve had sober on one hand. I know this is sickening, I see it to. I am not proud, but ashamed. Let me back up and it can help show some of the reasons I think I used it for so long. Raised with dysfunction & mental grief but we were full. I had four lil brothers and a older sister. I lost my dear brother and friend when he was 19. I was 21. Horrible car accident. Then some more years of traumatic events. Then my beautiful sister age 28 dies of the worlds rarest cancer known. I was 26. Only one other person in the world shared that strain and even it was not exactly the same. Then some time passes and my littlest brother gets hooked on Oxy/pain meds/ Then heroin. It was a 13 year stent of him abusing & and robbing my aging parents to the point of Bankruptcy. My father is a Doctor and he did quite well, however there is nothing left to show. All the times calling the cops and threatening to end my brother and myself & to no avail he just wouldn’t stop. Finally a year ago he saw how broken everyone in the family was he just finally checked into rehab and got clean. Everyday my other two brothers and I would just smoke the day away to relieve all the tension. 13 year nightmare finally over. Now it seems my life is calmed down enough to do something bout my drug addiction to pot. I never looked at it as a addiction b/c it fit into life and no one really knew about the extent of it. Lots of hiding and burning. I would work from home and smoke whenever I felt like it. It’s almost as if pot became my everything, everyday, everywhere. Totally need to recalibrate my reward system. I did not set a quit date, as I never fell through with any. Guess it was from the anxiety of saying no to it forever. The other day I just said it’s time now. And through out my collections of smokable tools per say. Even busted my scale. I know somehow this is just it for me. I do expect to get hit hard with PAWS & emotional mental anguish. But I also, have been studying heavily everyday for lil over two years. I’ve studied neuroscience, quantum physics, psychology, and epigenetic. It is so amazing to see how they all inner twine with each other. I feel it has set me up with some shields against self sabotage or loosing this battle. But the nerves have not kicked in yet like I feel they will. So I will see how armed I am when the sh_t really hits the fan. I am excited about becoming the new man I know I can be. Well that’s my story and here we go. Thanks for reading. JB via /r/leaves https://ift.tt/3cCsg6T
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