viability isn't an option

I'm at this point in my life where nothing is going to get better. That's not me seeking pity, it's just a fact. Being a 30-year-old who can't drive because of medical shit has ruined any chance of me having a decent job. Top that off with mental illnesses that prevent me from working but are viewed by my state as things that don't prevent me from working is fucking up my life. In the past, I was able to work. But I was terrible at every job I did. Most days I couldn't physically or mentally keep up with my job, but I had just enough productive days to not be fired. Now I have no productive days.My partner works and makes okay money, but we're always going to be in a situation where we barely make it by. We did the math, and we'd make more money if I didn't work than if I did. He makes over double what I would an hour anywhere I worked, and him not having to drive me to work means he can work longer hours.Right now I'm in therapy thanks to a friend who is paying for it. It still baffles me that someone is doing that for me, but it's helping I guess. I mean, I can wake up and sometimes do things and I don't feel suicidal all the time, but I don't think I've truly improved much. It's just made life somewhat easier to deal with.But, at the end of the day, I know my partner and I are never going to escape this hell. During the winter work slows down drastically for him because he's in the trade field. That means we have to rely on credit cards sometimes to get the absolute bare minimum for groceries. Then he spends the summers making a lot of money but having to use that to pay off credit cards, late fees, and shit like that. Covid has ruined that for us. He barely had work for a few months, so we haven't had the chance to pay anything off this summer. That means we don't have the funds to survive the winter. There's a food bank we could go to, but I'd feel terrible about going. There are thousands of people who have it worse than we do. I couldn't take food from there knowing someone who needs it more might be passed up because of me. There are kids out there whose parents aren't making anything right now and who are completely dependant on food banks for survival. I'm not going to take food from you know?What are my options? I don't qualify for assistance because my partner makes too much and I'm not viewed as mentally or physically disabled enough despite my therapist telling me I truly shouldn't be working and a doctor asking how the hell I worked in the past with so many health problems. There aren't any online jobs I'm qualified for. Instead of going to college, I was forced into a situation of homelessness that I nearly didn't survive. I have no skills. That's not me looking down on myself, there are just no skills I possess that make me employable. Technology is something I barely understand. I'm not an artist of anything. Anxiety, speech impediment, and sensory and auditory issues make it impossible for me to speak on a phone or to other people in general. I don't understand most social cues. Anytime I've tried to learn a new skill I breakdown and can't do it. Even if I put all of my efforts into it I'm still worst at what I do best.So options? Options. I don't see living as being an option anymore. Am I going to commit suicide? No, but only because I don't want to be a burden and don't want to hurt my partner's feelings. But every fucking day it seems like that's the best choice. If I'm dead my partner's financial life would be easier. He'd use less electricity and water and could spend less on groceries. He'd be less stressed out because he wouldn't have to deal with my shit. I know it puts a lot of stress on him, so why not eliminate all of my shit? Yeah, he'd be sad for a while, but he'd eventually be able to find someone worth a fuck. Someone who can drive and help him with bills and be there for him instead of someone who cries all the time because they're in pain or they're depressed or anxiety is too much and he'd be able to go places without having to sit in the car for 10-20 minutes waiting for my panic attacks to go away.So yeah. I don't want to live. I don't want to continue being a burden. There's absolutely no help for me at this point. My therapist doesn't even have solid advice for me anymore. My family is poorer than we are and can't help. I don't have anyways I can work. There's fucking nothing for me and no way for me to contribute and no way for me to make a living and no way for me to get better. Fucking hell. "Look on the bright side" bitch I'm in complete darkness, there is no fucking light down here. via /r/SuicideWatch https://ift.tt/3cXzCSy