Relationship W/ Parents

Hello, I’ve never posted on here before but I feel like I’m absolutely losing my mind and don’t know what else to do. I (F,19) live with my mom (F,48), my brother (M,16) and grandmother (F,75). My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old, and my dad (M, 54) and I have always either fought or he has neglected me. He loves my little brother more than anything because they both play baseball, and even though my brother has hit my father, cussed him out (dad is extremly religious, I was shocked) and ignored him for months, my dad still prefers my brother. I have never received gifts from my father (except for measuring cups one Christmas, a blanket he won, and occasionally some shirts) yet my brother is bought expensive items constantly. This doesn’t bother me too much, because my dad has paid for necessities for me, but it stung when he bought my brother a car before he had a lisence and I had my lisence for 3 years. Anyways, my dad and I basically only talk when we need to and when I go to his house I’m in my room or out with my boyfriend. My mother has constantly told me how awful my father is, claimed he cheated (I don’t know if this is true) and abused her. I have believed her blindly since she started telling me this when I was a kid. My mother is a kind woman and the owner of a business. She is lovely and giving to her friends and my brother. She lets my brother do whatever he wants, never get punished for things like smoking, drinking, sneaking out, etc. I am punished for things like sleeping in or buying fast food. Up until this year she had access to my bank account and would question everything I purchased. Until later in high school she would look through my phone and read all my texts. I’ve never had a private life from her. I used to not have a door to my room. My boyfriend gave me the courage to make my own account and stop working for her. I got a job that wasn’t under her company, woke up at 4-5 AM everyday yet was still told I sleep in and was lazy. I always keep my room tidy but if a plate or piece of clothing is on the floor I’m told it’s a wreck, however my brother is not scolded for not being able to see the ground in his room. I take the scoldings for the chores he doesn’t do, for everything my brother doesn’t do for her I take the blame. My mom vents to me about her love life, the company, my brother and her mom and I constantly reassure her and have talked her out of suicide a few times (her mental health problems are real but mine are not, apparently). I constantly gauge her emotions, try to cheer her up, pushed down my pride, etc. to be helpful. I’ve been made fun of by my family for self harm, being chubby, all of my interests, and I have accepted it all. She scolds me until I cry and starts to record me and calls me crazy when I do. I want to pull out my hair but I have to keep it together or she threatens to call the police. She has kicked me out over a fork being left in the sink but then guilt trips me for not being home (yes, even though she was the one that kicked me out). She recently berated me and called me immature, stupid, etc. until I started working for her again. She said it felt like a betrayal that I worked somewhere else. She’s jealous I am in a relationship and glares at us when we eat pizza or any unhealthy snack. She has shamed me in front of my boyfriend for our diets even though 1. he is a boxer with an amazingly slim body, and 2. I have a curvaceous body and have some stomach, but my doctors have said I’m perfectly healthy. She’s not all bad, she buys me gifts sometimes and has bought me nice furniture for my room. She has helped me when I needed money. She’s very funny when she’s in a good mood. The reason I have snapped and am wondering if this is toxic/abuse or if I’m being dramatic is because two days ago I found out I came into contact with someone COVID-19 positive and I panicked. I have had very weak lungs since birth and I believe this virus would kill me or permanently injure me. I cried about it in front of my mom, and she told me “everyone dies, I have bigger things to worry about.” My grandmother thinks it was okay and always gaslights me when I am hurt by my mom. I brought her some snacks today because she was in a bad mood (my brother failing to do chores) and she said it was meaningless and called me names and scolded me until I left the room. I got into two car accidents this week. The first one was minor, last one was major and neither of my parents comforted me. Neither accident was my fault, I was driving normally and was hit the first time by a new driver and the second time by someone getting T-boned and sliding into me. However, my parents still scolded me for being out of the house (at 7:30 PM) and were angry. I have never felt comforted by my mother. I was assaulted at 13 by a grown man and I was blamed for talking to him. I’m so tired. Neither of my parents have ever comforted me and my mental health has taken a turn for the worse. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t know if I am in the wrong, blowing this out of proportion, being a victim etc... please help me. I can answer any questions.TL,DR: my mother berates me, kicks me out sometimes, guilts me constantly, and emotionally manipulates me even though I’m basically her therapist. I feel guilty because she buys me things like new clothes, has taken me on a trip to her favorite country before, etc. is moving out a good option or should I tough it out.. via /r/Advice https://ift.tt/3khlhDa