This is my first post on Reddit and I have a lot that I need to say. To those who read the whole thing. Thank you from the bottom of my shattered and decimated heart.I’m a guy and I’m 24.Prologue: It started like a romance novel. I was a good student who asked questions, participated in class, was kind and co-operative with peers, was really friendly with teachers and was popular in some way even though I only hung around 2 people consistently. I kept every interaction with women strictly at arms length as I didn’t want to send wrong messages and was very respectful in general. I was more focused on achieving my goals, becoming a man, making my parents prouder than they already are for how far I have come.After January exams I get signals on multiple occasions from the cute smart girl from class as she peaked my curiosity and I was really attracted to her so I eventually talk to her. I couldn’t help myself; she was smart, good looking and seemed like an angel with her soft spoken voice and cute foreign accent. I was truly spellbound, it took me a while to get the courage to talk to her because I didn’t want to feel but I thought ‘what is life if you don’t take risks, this could be the one’. Little did I know this was my doom. I fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath who sees her best friend and I quote ‘disposable’. I wish I saw the signs sooner but her charm, love and affection toward me blinded me. The first four months were honestly some of the best times of my life and I have had a good life which is a testament to how special these moments were.Pure agony and rant- (this part just doesn’t even make sense structurally):I broke up with her 2 days ago. I had to. It was on our sixth month anniversary. But I had to. For the first four months it was the best thing that has EVER happened to me but the things that happened in the last 2 months I don’t think I could ever recover from. I fought for her love. I fought for forgiveness over things that could be resolved over communication and she held it over my head - it was exhausting. I was there for every moment she felt down and it made me happy I was there for her even though she treated me horribly. Keeping her happy and the possibility of a future with her kept me from ending it 2 months ago.I only stayed because of how amazing the first four months were. I opened myself to her like I’ve never opened up to anyone else. I showed my vulnerabilities even thought I was strong. I talked about my fondest and deepest memories, my childhood, my friends and most importantly the deep connection I had with grandmother who recently passed away. I never talk about my family to others and the connection I have with my grandmother. My grandmother loved me more than my parents and my parents love me more than I could ever imagine. I talked about the people I loved and whenever I was happy about my friends achievements which she dismissed so many times.I accepted her for who she is. I was manipulated to give more time to her for me to be her second option and then be blamed for me insecurities. I was never her priority when I made her mine. I was manipulated into being more open when she was so closed. Whenever she said some heavy things like her mental issues she disrespected me for offering to listen to her whenever she needs. She always gave me the silent treatment when I told her I hate the dark - this was over the littlest things she would give me the silent treatment. I always compromised for the sake of the relationship and how much I love her. I feel like such, a fool, used and emotionally abused. Never ever again will I allow myself to be disrespected and taken advantage of. The only positive thing I can think of is I will see red flags from a mile away and I will warn my loved ones and friends when I see them in who they are dating. I will make sure anyone can talk to me about their relationships and no matter how small their concerns are. My relationship concerns were small but they were much bigger and I wish I didn’t dismiss it as normal behaviour on my ex’s behalf. I am someone who easily trust but never fully and when I trusted her fully and I have been accused of not showing trust (through manipulation, I see that now) I was broken. I gave her my heart and my soul. I was willing to have children with her even though I said from the beginning I didn’t ever but I would for her. I come from a conservative Muslim background (although I am not religious) and I was going to introduce her to my family one day even though she is a non-muslim which is a huge deal. She sold me a future with her, where we were gonna live, what we were gonna name our kids, everything. Even though she said she may not live past 50 due to a disease I remember having a conversation with her and saying I would be there because I love her. In the first few months I’ve never had conversations so emotionally deep and intellectually stimulating with anyone in my life (that’s when she was open and loving). I felt seen for who I am and how awesome I am for once. I gave my whole heart. I gave everything. I gave my soul because I felt I met the one and she told me she loved me first and I was a fool to believe it.I know she has issues, she said it herself recently and I was there for her even though some of the things were so so heavy. I still loved her and accepted her for who she is.The breakup:She did something that she knew which was so hurtful to me which was the silent treatment. She was apathetic in general before this and I didn’t give up on us as I thought it was a phase. I still believed in the future we would build together. She told me not to ask too many questions when she opens up about stuff so I didn’t this time. She said her friend was in an accident and I said I wish her luck and I hope she is healthy. I didn’t ask what happened out of respect that she may not want to talk about it. The next morning I said good morning and I asked again if everything is ok and she said her friend is better. I was glad and thought all was good. The rest of the day was apathy from her and just generally cold messages with full stops. I thought she needed space as she asked for previously and ended the day with I hope all is well and a good night message. She was upset because I didn’t show enough concern for her friend. The funny thing is I truly did even though this friend of hers is the one she has described as ‘disposable’. She didn’t tell me her friend was hospitalised when all I knew about it is that she was an accident and she got better. She knew how much good morning texts meant and how much I hated the silent treatment. I went insane for 2 days thinking what have I done to deserve this. I remember her telling me she always ghosted boys without an explanation and I remember saying she was wrong. I felt like one of those disposable people in her life. I did mention that to her earlier this month that I felt like one of the boys you dated and she said I slut shamed her and she cried.I ended it right there after the silent treatment. I couldn’t take the pain anymore, I lost myself and I was going crazy. I told her how much the silent treatment hurts and said sorry for whatever caused the silent treatment which was not showing enough concern for her ‘disposable’ friend. I sent a long text as I was too hurt to even hear her voice let alone look at her. I didn’t direct anything towards her and if anything I tried not to hurt her because she has issues. She responded with sorry for the hurt she caused me and that she disliked me in the moment I didn’t show enough concern for her ‘friend’ she said she agrees with what I said. I offered to be friends in my message and she said we have different ways of showing affection and she doesn’t want to be reminded of it. She then deleted me (not the first time).I really hope her friend realises what a demon she has in her life. I didn’t show any animosity in my break up message and it’s killing me because she doesn’t know how much she has hurt me. If I was honest about my true feelings I would have shattered her beyond repair and I knew it so I showed mercy. I am having all those fights that I should have initiated over hypocrisy on her end in my head. I’m losing it because she doesn’t know how much I am hurt.I feel like such a fool. Such a loserThank you to whoever made it this far, I could literally go on for hours but that’s enough. Have a great day and we will get through this together. Whoever sees this: I love you and we will fight though this via /r/BreakUps https://ift.tt/3llxF5x
No comments:
Post a Comment