My wife and I have been married for 9 1/2 years, together for 13, but our libidos have always been mismatched. We were both virgins at marriage, and she used to initiate sex quite a bit, but that faded with time and I never picked up the slack, or when I tried (because she communicated that she wanted me to), I did so awkwardly in a manner that didn't appeal to her. Scheduling sex was also a no-go for her, and my vanilla sex preferences also didn't suit her. She wanted to explore much moreFast forwarding to this year, I came to the realization that I'm probably high-functioning autistic (the sort who's very much not touchy-feely), and asexual on top of that. I don't hate sex or feel repulsed by it, but I never crave it or think about it, either. I typically would only masturbate 1-2 times a month, if left alone, and that would just be to fulfill an urge to get something out of me.My realizations came after six years of a dead bedroom that was growing increasingly hard on her, and while it explained a lot, it led to her asking if we could open the marriage, because she refused to live in such a sexually absent manner. Neither of us wanted to divorce, because we're very compatible in all other respects and have younger children. As sad as it made me, I felt like opening the marriage was the fair thing to do and entirely justified, so I agreed. She tried to allay my jealousy and sorrow by dangling the idea of lots of free time in front of me (which was attractive, because I feel like I barely get any since we've had kids). She said that she only wanted to find people for sex, not build actual relationships, though she also stipulated that she would need some sort of emotional connection to be interested in them.She set up an okcupid account in early September. She started talking to a few people initially, then one person seriously two weeks later, who she met for sex about three weeks later. He lived three hours away, so they met at a hotel (which I paid for), then he went home while she stayed the night alone. She's still chatting with him occasionally. She also talks to one other guy regularly, but considers him just a friend at this point. And then, last week, she found a 98% match in our home city. They've been chatting intensely - one day I was angry with her because she'd essentially talked to him for 7+ hours, ignoring me and the kids - and they talked on the phone for the first time last weekend while we were away at a lodge for her 40th birthday, which angered me too since it wasn't previously discussed and I'd thought the weekend would primarily be family time. They met for coffee tonight, and while she assured me that nothing sexual would happen in this first 'in-person' meeting, she also went from saying a few days ago 'I'll only be there an hour or two' to saying last night 'I might come home late, I'll text you if we go to his apartment'. So, I'm learning not to trust her expectations.I'm having a rougher time with this than I expected. I looked at okcupid myself, since she wanted to link our accounts and I was feeling jealous over all the excitement she's had with her NRE and wondering if I'd feel better if I had someone to talk to also. But, there just aren't many people out there I'm attracted to, and I don't feel like I have the energy, or the desire, to try building any new relationship. I think I'm just a monogamist at heart, and I don't think I can emotionally attach to someone else without removing that attachment from a previous partner. So, late at night, I do lots of left-swiping and answering questions there while thinking how pointless it is, while she's wearing her headphones and chatting happily away.But, it really stings when I see her spending SO much time on the phone and being SO happy because of it. I went into this wanting her to be happy, and I even felt happy for her when she first started getting guys chatting her up, but it hurts to know that she's not happy because of me. I mean, she SAYS that she loves me more because I'm giving her this freedom, but the excitement, the gleam in her eyes, only really comes out when she's talking to others. She really doesn't act much differently around me unless I say something suggestive or when she sees I'm hurting and she wants to make me feel better (though her caresses have the opposite effect - they just feel emasculating). Her libido is waking up, so she's started initiating sexual activity even with me again, but it's different for me now. While in the past I would have been open to it even if I didn't initiate it, now I often just want her to stop and leave me alone. I'm not feeling repulsed, exactly, but it's a mixture of anger and sadness and pain that surfaces to a slight extent when she's talking to others, and much more so when she meets them in person. I haven't been able to forget about or let go of this, in most instances, when she hits on me.It's weird, because I felt jealous and hurt during her first chatmate UNTIL she met him for sex, after which I suddenly went numb and didn't care as much. I thought maybe I was adapting to this relationship concept, but now I'm back in the dark place again. Maybe this guy's different because he's local. Or maybe it's because the one thing I wanted to reserve for us was deep kissing, because I feel like that's intimate...but apparently when she told that to this local guy, he asked if I could find something else to reserve, because he really likes that and is good at it. She told me about this in a lip-biting manner that suggested she also wanted me to remove that reservation, so I did. I resignedly told her they could do whatever, just so long as she didn't expect me to be intimate with her around the time periods that she's meeting him. She put on a hurt face, but agreed.She initially went into this thinking she'd like to see someone once every other month, then changed it to once a month after her first encounter. Now that she's met someone locally, she's changed her desire to weekly, and said she's still not asking for much, because she'd REALLY like to have sex 4-5 times a week.How much time does it typically take to adjust to this sort of life? Does my experience sound typical? Am I being pushed around more than I should? I'm really wondering if I can do this. There's a part of me that wants to tell her that despite her desire to be with both me and these other people, I want us to just be roommates and co-parents moving forward. But, I also don't want to be rash...after all, I stopped hurting eventually with that first encounter she had.Ugh, I hate this 'feeling things out' period. via /r/polyamory https://ift.tt/33Xbyw8
No comments:
Post a Comment