Who am I

My story starts basically in high school, I have been raised on some values that I realized when I grew up that even my close ones were not following. So, I turned out from the smart kid that cry for not being fisrt in class to the teenager following any wind that can take him seeking outsiders acceptance and believing that the sky is the limit.I started taking drugs and getting far from my studies but that never blocked me for at least holding up to school and graduate. My family basically were my friends as I used to spend a lot of time out. Knowing that my parents wont doupt a thing because they were divorced and their communication was bad at that point.I went to college and there my addictions became the center of my life and my one and only intrest. AS I was coming from a modest family and most of my friends were extremely rich I found myself quickly involved in drug traficking to at the end spend money on women an alcohol. I was making a lot of money and I was proud of that lifestyle. My heart was empty of mercy or reason. I could scam people lie or do bad stuff with no regret.Having all that aside I was still able to get my bachelor degree after 4 years at college ( I was 21 years old) but as a person I was destroyed. After a lot of bad friendships and years of drugs and an uncesorred life. I did not know who I was anymore. My only confort were my joint and eventually I found myself having only that joint as friend with a lot of bad thinking and social anxiety.I was thinking about all the people i have harmed, scammed or lie too and found myself fighting my own demons but I knew I could move on.I decided to let go everything from that previous life and moved to another country 5000 km far from where I am seeking for a peace of mind and most importantly for a purpose of my own existence. But being here and after two years I still feel lost. I cant look at people in the eyes and I do not have a sane social interractions. Even In love relationships I do not have problems being liked but as women get to know me they tend to lose intrest as they can feel the crack in me. And even though I dont do drugs like cocain or mdma anymore I still fall for pot from time to time.Fortunately I made friends but within me i always feel there is something missing. I am lazy and cant even be disciplined anymore in my masers degree that I am enrolling here. I assume life rather than embracing its beauty. I fake smiles and laughters just to seem normal. But deep inside it is a cirque. I do not even know if I am depressed or no and cant even provide a clear assessment of my own personnality as I do not understand it.Still I believe that good things will happen to me but I am so confused in the process and I doubt every single step or decision I make in life. Emotionally I feel I am in the recovery phase I started praying and training and that also helped a lot to be in peace with myself . Being far away from my parents my relationship has never been better with them.The one thing that bothers me is how can I overcome all this situation and progress fast i life and achieve mindfulness to accept the past and become a better version of myself.I am 23 years old now and I have done so many things and stuff that I got to the point wwhere I feel i have a 50 years old man brain. I want to reconnect again with life and make my smile and laughter a true one. via /r/dontyouknowwhoiam https://ift.tt/3cJu3ae