Hello, this is my first time writing a reddit story and my last time cutting. And to try to stay fully clean i've decided that maybe venting somewhere would help both me and a stranger that might happen to read this, with our struggles. I am writing this for two reasons, one to get it all of my chest and two to help someone that might relate to maybe breathe easier even if its just for a short moment. Well basically as you can see i am writing in the community of depression. Well i am fighting multiple mental illneses (diagnosed), anxiety too. But i want to tell you a little story about my life. I have always been a happy child and pretty much lived a peaceful life until a few years ago in middle school, when i hit puberty i kinda became the "ugly duckling". This was just the beginning, not the whole reason behind my misery. It is just how the peace in my life slowly started to get interrupted. At first i didn't much pay attention to my looks or stuff like that, i was all about having friends and fun, not spending too much time in the mirror. All until i started to notice that girls in my school were different. They got all of the attention, friends, fun lives, were invited to many birthday parties and started getting their first boyfriends. Of course, i started to feel a little bit left out but hey, it still didn't matter much to me, i still have time i thought. Months have passed until i started to hear the first insults. I've been called ugly for the first time. The girl with the greasy hair and the girl that looked disgusting. But the first time i remember it hurt a lot was when my own parents came home and sat me to have a "serious" talk with me. They told me that waiting in a row in a pizzeria they overheard some guy mention me with my name and lastname to his friends talking about how i have disgusting teeth and i look disgusting. It was not even true, i was just wearing braces but my teeth were clean and i took care of them every day. I never understood why my own parents told me that but they were "worried" i'm not washing my teeth and they wanted to check me. I had two best friends by that time. A girl and a boy. I'll call them Clara and Mike. Mike left me and Clara because his parents thought we were bad influence on him. So in the end, it was just me and Clara. I don't want to focus too much on these details but to get to the main topic, me and Clara spent a whole year alone, not going out on daylight, laying in bed because our friends left us and Clara was struggling with abuse at home. So both of us were depressed and that's when things started to turn for the worst. Me and Clara got bullied in school during this time about being ugly and disgusting. Our classmates were running away from us. I started fainting, my hair was falling and it was the first year i got panic attacks. Ended up in the hospital on multiple occasions. The same year i got tahycardia too, my mom was tested for a tumor (thankfully she didn't have one) and i started cutting. I was scared to shower because balls of hair were falling out of my head and i would always get out of the shower and scream at home while my parents would make me swallow pills while holding me, that my doctor has prescribed. My therapist diagnosed me with a severe anxiety, put me on meds that i never took. The thing i was struggling the hardest by that time was the insomnia caused by the anxiety and depression. One year battle later, me and Clara decided to try and take our life together and met a few friends that were finally a fit for us and didn't judge us for anything. It was the same exact year my life took another big turn. I became awfully toxic and i would sometimes bully kids at school. I got into fights and became a really problematic kid only because i wanted everyone to fear me so they wouldn't ever tell me how ugly i was again or try to do something to me. It worked because very soon the whole class started to obey me out of fear. The power i gained after winning a multiple fights (with my bullies, not with some random kids) was the best thing that happened to me at the time. It has changed me into a different person. I suddenly became really arrogant and i wanted to be the leader of every group i'm in. And thats how things turned out to be. I still struggled with depression and cutting but nobody knew. Until one fucking day. It was not a day, more of a period of the year, a really pure period when i fell in love. It was the first kid i confessed my crush to, my first love, that has turned into a short relationship. When i was with him for the first time i felt genuine happiness. The one i felt when i was a kid, the one i felt when i was pure and had no worries, the one that i missed. That's when i finally realized that i've became a scumbag to everyone around me, just because i was so scared of everyone and felt so weak, and hated myself for everything i've done. I started apologizing to people and working on myself. The kid i fell in love with was like my medicine at the time. He came in my life when i needed him the most and that's what got me so attached. That relationship soon turned into a whole toxic on-off relationship going for the next two years. The first time we broke up i've lost weight, dyed my hair and many other things that lead me to a glow up. Suddenly countless boys started to like me, compliments would be all i would get and people said i could get anyone i want. But i only wanted this kid, i only wanted to keep him but it turned out drastically different. In the end, he cheated on me. Now i felt something new, this new strong emotion-betrayal. Disappointment. The pureness was gone, my trust was gone. He cheated on me and insulted me in the worst ways ever. He called me a dumb bitch, he said i am very stupid and he said he never took me seriously. I finally woke up from a dream. Realized that this whole time while i was thinking i am being loved and feeling that pure happiness, i was just manipulated by a jerk. I was not depressed for a multiple months and surprisingly my depression did not come back after this. I guess i just got so used to many kinds of downfall by that moment, it was like i was ready before it even happened. I stared working on myself but i felt like i've lost the ability to ever love again or even start liking someone. This is by the way in the present. Happened a few months ago. All of my friends are in serious relationships by now having someone to rely on, and i convinced myself that i can't ever like anyone and that it's just me by myself and i should live with it. After some time has passed my heart has finally started to jump for this one new kid. I felt so happy, i felt happy just by the fact that i can feel this feeling again that i haven't felt for two years. I felt that same purity again, as if i was a little kid happy for her crush. It all went down the water when i found out he got back with his toxic ex. Then another kid that i've always kinda liked started to give me a flirty eye contact, liking some of my old pictures and it was the moment i got hopes up again. My heart desperately started to jump again and at this point i just realized i am just being addicted to this feeling of crushing hard on someone because i thought it's gone forever. Today, this same night i'm writing this, i was in this cafe where he came. My heart jumped after seeing him but it was shortly interrupted by the view of seeing him kissing the girl that was my cheatin ex's best friend. My best friend Clara and another friend of mine saw me getting upset and hurt so i thought they would at least get out of the cafe right away with me because i was ready to explode with emotion, bottling everything up for so long. But i thought wrong, because for them it was more important to finish their drink. They accused me of being "drunk" and pointless (and i didn't even drink alcohol) and said i was overreacting. I got out of the cafe, got home. Sat in one place. It all came out. All the struggle i burried deep in me. Being cheated on, being always a lost cause, feeling unloved. Suddenly i started remembering the words i've been told in the past. Ugly ugly ugly. Ugly. Disgusting ugly girl who did you think would ever pay attention to you. You were so wrong. People are loved your age, people are liked your are. And there you are, alone again, ugly again. Cheated on. Betrayed. Insulted and called dumb. Because you are dumb. Because you are so dumb for thinking the cheater loved u, the guy liked you, your friends would come listen to you. Because you were so dumb for calling 10 friends that night of which none answered. Because this night i didn't want love anymore, or any affection. I just wanted someone to listen to me, UNDERSTAND my emotions. I just honestly wanted someone to answer a call. Just one call. Sat in the dark praying at least one friend would answer a call. Just one person. It didn't happen. I'm only going to apologize to myself. I'm sorry for cutting again after being three years clean and i am sorry for deepening the scars i once swore i will cover with a positive tattoo forever. via /r/depression https://ift.tt/30AFbBB
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