Hello everyone.First of all forgive me for my english, i'm not a native speaker. Throwaway because...I'm helpless, i'm hopeless.Ever since i was a little boy, i didn't want to go to school. I remember my mom, constatly waking me up, trying to get me prepped up.I simply just didn't want to, i wanted to sleep. Nothing less nothing more. Was it because i was wake up the night before to watch the movie until almost 11pm?Was it because i was just a lazy boy that was spoiled too much and couldn't force myself to do what was right for me?Anyway, it'll started by these mornings...I wasn't late regarding education, learned to speak before it was taught at school, did my homework everyday plus extras due to my curiosity.I remember that my "always search for something new, something real" led me to launch the news club at my school, at 9. You'll tell me "it's such a normal behavior for a kid"I'll answer you by no. I was living in the worst city, of the worst county of my country... which has 25% unemployment, only 45% to graduate high school.I'm not praising me, because i fucked it up. I fucked up badly.I always loved science, but what moved me was music. So before high school i started piano. i didn't take any lesson, just me and the music i couldn't reproduce.Started to sing, and spent all my free time doing what i love. I had move to a more coutryside county, the one where you have to do 20 miles to see a supermarket,30 miles to go to the pool, bowling, cinema; the one where soccer lead, and rule over every other activity.I was 13 when i conviced 10 of my teammates to join me in the choir. It was something that, today, think of with a lot of pride.We weren't good, but we were there and i still don't know why chose to follow me in this path.My grades were great and i passed the diploma (we have a diploma before highschool) pretty easily. I could have done much better for sure,but i had the same and more intense problem. I COULD'NT go to sleep! I already had a TV in my bedroom, and remember watching the second movie after prime time.Going to sleep at 1am, i regularly skipped school as i had to take the bus at a specific time. I then was either helping my mom hold her convenient but very small shop,learning piano by myself with a couple sheets here and there. But harm was already done, i couldn't force myself to go to school, thinking what a waste of time.Anyway i was very interested in a lot of things (note that it didn't stop), the shop owned by my mom had a computer and i constantly was searching for things here and there,at a time i was the provider of free music for all my buddies, illegaly downloading and transferring to my mates' players.I was mocked a lot, because of my name (says gay with my initials), for my teeth that i couldn't fix years ealier because of expensiveness. Guys started calling me rabbit, my friend too...Every little thing was a pretext to mock me, and so when the teacher said to us that the little triangle is called "delta", they figured i was to called delta, because of my very sunken face.I was called that thing for 2 years, and thinking of it now, i'm happy it wasn't a meanier nickname.I hated me, i hated them. But i probably was mocked because of my asocial character too, the one that i constantly fight against. Mind you, the ONLY time i was praised was at the school triathlon, when you come by these other kids on the side here to support you on the last part of the race. Almost everyone saw anything more in me than a burden, and had the last pick syndrome in every fucking activity.I, at that time, realized something i had not, it will always be easier alone. And so i started to think for me, anywhere and anytime.But there was this girl, she wasn't objectively pretty (that the almost 30 something talking, even tho it was obvious every guy had another specific girl in mind when we were talking about love), she wasn't particularly interesting, but she was to be mine... Or at least that's what the dumb kid i was thought.And so i tried and i tried and i tried to tell her, and when rejection came after my declaration about 2 years after i discovered my attraction, i was as downed as a loving kid could be.My mom was busy building invoices in her shop, my dad had to do hundreds of miles for his shitty but paying job (leaving at 6am to comeback at 8pm almost mon-fri) and so i was left to myself with my despair, no one to talk and nothing but my interests to cherish and console me. I was done with others. My last year before highschool was nothing more that a failure, skipped one or two days a week,sleeping for hours on the morning, going to sleep for as late as 3am. This led me to unimaginable fights with my mom, she didn't know how to handle me. One time it got physical,at a point that she and me regret what we've done. Therapy couldn't help us, the harm was done, i hated me.Sadly but thankfully, the shop of my mom closed, and we were forced to move to a more urban environment. right in time for me to start highschool.I chose to learn more about music, and so i chose a music centered path in highschool. We had 8 + 6 hours a week to study music, theory and practice our own chosen instruments.That's when i discovered that all the "cool" kids play guitar, and it was time for me to do something cool aswell. Everything was right in the world. Except i couldn't be the cool kid.I was still skipping school, and started to apply my credo : only think for you. I then refused every kind of communication with ppl that didn't exspressly engaged conversations.I was happy and skipped less and less courses, enjoying my newly close friends and activities (basketball, guitar). But even though i couldn't care less about others, they were always there.I still had the last pick syndrome, and rightfully so. Come to think of it, i'm not skilled at sports, making friend, speaking or even playing music. I'm good at learning, thinking.But that's not enough to help you, when coming home, oppening social medias at 16, you see a special song written just for you right next to the highschool building,mocking your lack of skill at almost everything. You're not prepared for this to start over, again and again.I then tried to kill myself, with sleeping tablets like the coward i was, in my first year of highschool. I took the 5 last pills of the last tablet my mom was taking to face her shop failure.The night i had was like nothing else i've ever experienced, listening the fantastic symphonie from Berlioz, reminding me of my lost love from before highschool,and everyone just mocking me throughout my childhood. I was desperate but i woke up after 28 hours. Yes 28 hours. Nobody noticed a thing, not my teachers, not my few friends, nor my parents.Anyone but me. I woke up dizzy, frightened by what just happened, fightened by what could come next.I spent the rest of the year hating myself, hating others. It was the time i met my first girlfriend. She was a cute girl, with a cute sense of curiosity, she could see me as the one i really was,the constant learning but not skilled boy, the kind but asocial boy with a strange way of seeing life, seeing others.We were flirting but i wasn't confident enough to love her plenty, as a normal highschooler would do. We broke up after a few months.I then started dating another girl, more experienced, who taught me the pleasures of love for the first time. I didn't love her, but i think that's what "allowed" me to let things go freely.I was skipping more and more days of school, as i was still unhappy spending time with the ones that mocked me publicly, with the thing i loved the most.My grades were still enough to pass, but everyone that new me a bit could see the downgrade (15/20 to 12/20) except in music where i had 18/20 everytime, sometimes topping the A+ grade 20/20.My second year of highschool was chaotic, i was spending all my time on my computer, trying to watch every movie/show i could think, playing guitar and spending time with the girl i first rejected.We were together again! I was finally able to face my fears of disappointing others and was happy again.At the end of my second year of highchool, i asked for starting over the year, against school advice, against everyone's advice, to do less music at school.It was of course to avoid the ones mocking me, but i couldn't tell, it was too shameful for me. I failed my third year (a second real year as i downgrade) at the end of the first semester and stopped everything. i started a new cursus, a professional one and finally graduated highschool. I was installer for the largest ISP of my country, and passed my driver's license. I wasn't skipping a lot of days work,maybe one in a month as it was interesting for me to learn. Meanwhile, my girlfriend had her first time with me, but the sky wasn't so blue, as i could express myself clearly and loudly enough.Grass was greener on the other side, and what was meant to happen, happened. She cheated on me on a summer night. I couldn't believe it, and freaked out as fuck. She played the sorry card,and me, in desperate need of not let go the best things of my life, forgave her. Or at least i thought i could forgive her. for the next whole year, i couldn't help myself but mention this mistake,over and over, hurting her, myself and probably anyone who heard me talking about it. The last year we were together, i had lost my job, due to losing my license driver, due to waking up too lateand crossing red lights, speeding and using the work phone while driving. I wasn't good enough to drive a car and never made the mistake of wanting to drive again, to be a danger for others and myself.So my girlfriend and i were going to the new year's eve party, she was driving and was working, and probably couldn't think of me more than a burden (again).There was this guy, which i thought was cool, and she surely thought the same. I could see them flirting right in front of me and the only thing i thought was good to do is drink.I drank all i could as i new it was done. Next morning she was with him in the bed (they were dressed) and as a 20 something (not so much) man i chose to leave as fast as i could.She came back too (we were living together) and i confronted her with what happened and she first denied everything, but as i felt this was not a "nothing situation" i started pushing and pushing,until she said the truth : we weren't going anywhere as i couple, i had 0 ambition, she don't love me no more.So i was left alone, well not exactly alone, as my mom was okay with taking me back with her. She'd just divorce from my father, and could do with some company.I had cumulative rights to welfare and use almost the two whole year to do what i wanted, music, guitar, Youtube, shows, movie, documentaries, forums, reddit, close friends...I was truly happy with this way of life, my circadian rythm was so fucked up, my cycle was 18hours awake and 10 hours of sleep. Till now it's the same.I then did a training in phone advising, but my mom moved out of the county so i had to go live with my father. I did the training which lasted six months,worked for a month or two in the company that took me in traineeship. I wanted to try this because i love Kitboga, he's a twitcher who calls scammers waisting their time and entertain viewers.I was interested at first, to learn how to deal with customer, but when i really did it everyday, things were not so great, i managed to skip a week, pretending to be home sick.As i couldn't go on with this job, i started looking for something else, something that would pay bills! Questionned myself, again an again,trying to find a thing that could lead me to force myself to do it everyday but couldn't. I then worked at Mcdonalds, flipping burgers,serving customers that tell you they know your job better than you, working for a manager who tells you you're paid too much for what you do (minimum wage).It lasted six months, till the eve of this pandemic, my grandma was sick and dying, i couldn't stand this job, i resigned.My grand ma passed in the end of february, telling me all she ever wanted to was hes grandkids to be well set in life and happy.early september i started a training to be department manager, i don't want to do it. I want to spend my time watching videos, learning things, playing and learning music for me,going to bed at 8am to waking up at 6pm. Then going to bed at 10am to wake up at 8pm and so on...I kind of understand now that i'll never be normal, i'll never be this guy with his 9 to 5 job, a home, a loving wife and kids. I don't know what i am.Life isn't easy on me, and tho i know it's good enough for now for me to have a roof, something to eat, things and activities to enjoy. But i'm not settled well, i'm not happy.I'm not happy because i can't go to my training, i can't go to sleep at 10pm and wake up at 8am as i should, to earn money, and live a normal life.Tomorrow hopefully, i will contact a psychologist and show him this message, and hopefully we'll work on a way for me to go back to a normal life,if it leads me to a happy life, i will. But i doubt i can as it's 1.30am monday morning and i will probably skip the training, just like last thursday and friday without notice.I've got some close friends, but still can't make connection with new people, can't find a girlfriend (and probably don't want to). I am now a burden for my now retired father,and hate myself for not being able to keep a job more than a few months, not being able to have something interesting enough for me to do for a few months now.The only thing i'm proud now is to be alive, and not having any suicidal thoughts... I am only lost. via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/2S1B64D
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