I think my relationship has caused me to lose myself.

Hello fellow redditors, I am here to tell you about my relationship and hoping to get some advice even though I'm pretty sure I know what advice I'm going to be getting. So I suppose this all kind of starts in February of 2019 where I added this woman along with many other woman on snapchat. I wasn't looking to hook up with anyone I just was looking for a serious relationship. maybe it sounds stupid but I was never the type to just hook up with someone. I would always tell myself that my wife is out there somewhere and I'm sure she would appreciate if I wasn't sleeping around. That being said I never expected my wife to perfect and pure. I'm sure she isn't a virgin but ideally I would hope she would keep the sleeping around to a minimum. but if I someday found someone that had slept around a lot it wouldn't be the end of the world as long as this person was committed to me. Anyways I have this girl on snapchat since February and it was never anything serious it was always just small talk. Until the end of November when I actively was asking her to go on a date with me and she would say maybe then about a week later she says yes. We went to chick fil a, I picked her up we had food and kissed quite a bit. Took her home no big deal I liked her and she seemed to like me.About a week later we go Christmas shopping together and end the night having in n out, again lots of kissing and this time some touching and rubbing. I take her home again and everything seems fine. Later on I ask her when we would be hanging out again and she says doesn't really want to anymore and that we should just be friends. I went to Mexico for vacation for about two weeks in December and the entire time I'm there we were talking every day. I would ask her if we were going to hang out again and she said maybe. So in my head she's interested again. I get back from Mexico on I believe the 29th and on New Years eve I asked her to hang and get food and she agrees. we get food then we go sight seeing and there's lots of kissing again and everything seems be going good.Now we're in January and honestly I don't remember when the next time we hung out was but it wasn't very long because I remember she had invited me over to her place because she was sick and needed meds. So I went took her what she needed and hung out with her for the day. I went over a few more times in the first couple weeks of January and on one of those times we started having sex. Which for me was kind of out character because I've only had sex with people I was in a relationship with but I was able to justify it because I really like this girl and I could see a future with her. So we go through January and near the end I started talking to her about being in a relationship with me to which she would say she wasn't ready for that but she could see that happening with me. Her reasoning was legitimate to me she had a car payment to a car she couldn't drive because the transmission went out, rent, phone bill, braces payment, work, debt in collections, and she was going back to school. She doesn't make a lot of money. While you may be thinking that was the red flag right there, well we had had talks about this stuff and she had a plan and wasn't being foolish with her financials anymore.Now were in February and we were still hanging out frequently and sometime early in February I still feeling like I love her, I wasn't completely in love with her but she made me very happy, she treated me great she would cook for me, kiss me every time we met up and every time I was leaving, she called me babe/baby and it honestly felt like we were in a relationship I was feeling great until valentines day. she had told me before hand that she didn't like valentines day and I didn't get that. the day before valentines day came around and I had bought her these huge flowers of mostly yellow flowers which is her favorite color and had them delivered to her work and she loved them. So after I had got out of class I went to her house at around 7ish maybe a little bit later and she was very upset about me being there because she said she was planning to go to the gym and what not so I left after 5 minutes and she laid in bed and didn't even kiss me bye that time. Which I suppose was my fault but I just wanted to surprise her and take her out to eat tacos to this place near her house that we both love. Anyways we didn't hang out or talk much over the next couple of days and she had gone with one of her friends to spend the weekend with her. whatever I would say the first really hiccup. Monday comes around and she had got her tax return and she needed a laptop for school so I went with her to Best Buy and helped her pick one out. she had about a $400 budget so I helped her find one we ended up getting one on amazon for like 150 so she had 250 left over. she had mentioned that she wanted a tv before so I said lets check them out and we ended up getting her an open box tv and were still under the budget. We go to her house and I help her mount the tv. Everything is still good at his point except I started to notice some patterns that were a little bit concerning. She would text a lot of guys which she claimed were her friends and to me that was fine I don't see a problem with her having friends of the opposite sex. What was concerning was that she would text certain guys pretty openly right in front of me and not try to hide her screen and other guys she would really make an effort to hide it. I should mentioned that I was never really trying to read any of these messages until I noticed that she was trying to hide something.I remember asking her if she was "talking" to someone else and she had said no. which I had reason to believe her because she really would spend most of her time with me so really there was little to no time for her to be talking to other guys. Then one day it hit me, Those guys that she was hiding texts from were guys that are in the military. So then I started noticing she was sending snaps to other guys a lot. for those that don't use snapchat you get an a heart emoji for the person you send snaps to the most. That heart emoji turns red after snapping someone more than anyone else after two months. I was red and suddenly one day I wasn't anymore she had a heart with some other guy. So at this point I'm convinced there was something going on but I had zero evidence of anything. All I had was her word.So we go into march everything is good on the surface but I have my suspicions. One week she tells me that the following Sunday she was going to be hanging out with one of her guy friends who is in the military and that's kinda when my heart first sank she had him in her contacts as sgt blank (I'm gonna avoid using real names.) she didn't text me the entire day until the night when he left. she swore he was just a friend. So fast forward to the next Friday and that is when covid brought us our initial shut down. So I will admit that I was terrified of it at first and I live at home with my parents and they are older and into that high risk category so I really begged her to allow me stay with her for the time being and she really didn't like it but she allowed it and for the most part would stay with her most nights and really only going to my house when I needed cloths. So now I'm spending so much time with her and one day I don't remember the reason I had her phone but I had it for a good while and she gets a text from a guy named e j and it says "I wanna see boobies" she sitting right next to me and takes the phone and I ask her what that's about and ask her if she's playing me and she just says no and we basically don't talk much after that for the day. a couple days later I started paying attention to the code for her phone and when she went to the shower I went through her phone (this is probably a huge mistake on my part but I don't regret it) what I found was devastating to me. all it was was a bunch of nudes she would send him and talk about fucking when he got back from where ever he was stationed. there was some talk about him asking her to be her valentine and that was very hurtful as well. I was scared to confront her partly because I didn't know how to bring it up and partly because I didn't wanna go home and potentially put my parents in harms way.It wasn't until a few nights later that I was drinking and doing hw and she had fell asleep so I went through again and found that sgt blank was for the most part really just a friend there might have been some intention to start a relationship at some point but it didn't seem to amount to anything. however ej was still in the mix there were more nudes being sent and talk about sex. I was a bit drunk so I didn't really think it through but I started packing my shit to get out and leave without saying a word. she ended up waking up near the time that I was done and she asked what I was doing and I just said I was leaving and that she could suck and fuck ej. I was crying at this point because I was in love with this woman and she lying to me. She started laughing and all I said was I was glad she found humor in that. I walked out with all my shit and went to my car and realized I couldn't drive in my condition so I was just gonna sit in there until morning or when I knew I was sober. she was aware that I had been drinking as well and started texting me to go back because I had been drinking and like a fool I went inside and slept by her side. the next morning I was sober and I didn't leave, I don't know why I didn't leave but I didn't. I don't know what happened exactly but we started talking about she told me that wasn't going to do that anymore and I like a fool believed her.We go into April and I still had my suspicions but part of me was just convinced that she had changed. I wanted to believe it so bad. At this point she had also started telling me that she loved me and so that probably played a huge role in me believing her. anyways were in April and I go through her phone again and its the same shit. I confront her about it and she just shuts down this happens a few times in April and there's multiple arguments about it but nothing changes. I believe also at the end of this month she was introduced to my dad nothing big just an introduction and a goodbye.we go into May and its the same deal still and at this point I was getting ready to call it quits. I felt like she wasn't going to be changing. We had also had conversations and she would tell me that she was fucked up and she needed to love herself before she could really love me. I love her so much at this point and I just wanted to be there for her and help her in anyway that I could. Then at the end of the month her dog ran away and it kind of tore her apart it seemed. So I really didn't wanna leave her at this point because I kind of felt at fault for her dog running away. Also she had just met my mom at this point.June starts and we went posting flyers up for her dog all over the place and posting on social media. honestly at this point everything with us was going good I had a feeling she was still doing the same thing as before but I had no evidence because at this point she had changed her password and I couldn't guess it and honestly have given up since June on trying to guess what it is. nearing the end of June we noticed she had missed her period and we had been joking that she would get pregnant and well she took a pregnancy test and she was indeed pregnant. so now we had another dilemma and her initial thought was she didn't know what to do. she had always been pro-life but she wasn't ready for motherhood. my initial reaction was telling her that I only wanted this baby is she going to be faithful to me. That exactly what I told her for the first couple of days. After that I told her that I wanted this baby whether she wanted to be with me or not. So not too long after that she told she didn't want the baby and that she was going to get an abortion. So I understand the whole her body her choice thing and I would tell her that. However I was always clear and honest with her. I don't want her to get the abortion because that's a life to me. growing up one of the things I always looked forward to was becoming a father since I was very young. I was still supportive of whatever she decided to do so I would take her get ultrasounds at first and then when it came to it I took her to planned parenthood. We went and she went in and came out and we didn't say a word I didn't say anything because I was afraid of bursting into tears and I wanted to be strong for her. It wasn't until we were at her house laying in bed and she had seen that I was crying that she told me that she didn't get the abortion. she then pulled out the ultrasound and showed it to me and we were both really happy just looking at it. I know it may sound like I haven't many happy days but when she showed me the ultrasound it probably was one of the happiest moments in my life. she told me that when they handed her the abortion pills that she just couldn't do it. Then she goes on to tell me that she had made another appointment and that she still didn't want to have the baby. At this point im very mixed with emotions because I still have hope for a baby but it seems to be fading away from me.we go into July and this happens a couple more times where we go to planned parenthood and she doesn't get the abortion for one reason or another. Near the end of this month she's also managed to save up a little bit of money and was able to finish paying off her car. She still had some money left over but it wasn't quite enough to pay for the transmission repair plus her job was beginning to cut hours so she didn't want to blow her savings in case she lost her job and still needed to pay rent. so I had offered in the past to help her pay the transmission repair but she always said no until I told her about my American Express card had a payment plan option and then she more entertained by it. This was probably a mistake on my end but at the time I was thinking I'm gonna have a child with this woman, I love her, and she's been financially responsible, so I added her as an authorized user on my account and we got her transmission repaired. Unfortunately when the mechanic got the car they noticed the catalytic converter was stolen and that was going to need fixing as well because we thought she needed a smog to get her new tags (car had been on non op for over a year.) so we I started yelping on her phone and noticed how she was really really paying attention to what I was looking at on her phone, it felt like she was hiding something. so I said I need to use the bathroom and went and sure enough I look at her texts and she's been talking to ej. he's back from wherever he was with the military. she's sending him nudes while pregnant with my baby. so I confronted her about it and it was basically the same shit as it had been in the past. I felt trapped this time. If there wasn't a baby in the equation I would have canceled my card and left. we hadn't got her car back from the transmission repair and I could really screw her. I was going to but I thought this could be my baby momma whether im with her or not she is gonna be the mother to my child so I shouldn't screw her so I didn't. things weren't going well for us. but she got her car fixed (just the transmission) on my card and she blocked ej and deleted his contact info.we go into august and I'm honestly pretty happy with how things are going we might have a baby. she is now 12 weeks we both would talk to the baby and everything is going great honestly. we went to Palm Springs for a weekend as getaway but not before another failed abortion attempt. So that was still lingering on my mind. I was convinced she wouldn't ever do it. It had just been too many times and she couldn't do it. then on 8/15 we went again and she really did it. This time she was texting me while in there and she told me when she had the abortion I was crying in my car waiting for her (they didn't allow anyone to go in with her due to covid) then she text me to go to the front and I tried to stop crying and I did until she got in the car and I couldn't hold anything back. I don't think I've ever cried harder than that. we got back to her house and I continued to cry a ton. she was crying a little bit but it was clear that this was much more hurtful for me than it was for her. To this day I still cry thinking about "little baby" that what we would call her (she didn't ever find out the gender but she was convinced that it was a girl so it just refer to it as her.) anyways I'm crying and sad as fuck and we went to her aunts house for a birthday party and I met most of her family looking like a sad ass little kid. it was a bad idea to go but it happened. I wasn't myself for a couple of weeks. the Wednesday following her birthday we had a birthday dinner with her close friends and some cousins and people noticed that I wasn't myself and brought it up. I don't think any of those people know I was so hurt by it.I forgot to mention that at this point there's another dude called f that is her friend and they had sexual relations and they at one point were trying to form a relationship. This guy was still trying to get with her it was very clear from his texts. I asked her to stop talking to him because I felt disrespected because this guy would frequently talk about getting together and about her body and she just allowed it. she refused to do that for me so I felt like I was played once again.anyways fast forward to the end of the month to where her coworker was having a little get together for her for her birthday and she had invited her cousin and they were going to be spending the night. Well things started to fall apart with that story. the day they were going to the coworkers house I noticed her cousin said that she would be driving (my gf had said that her cousins wasn't going to drive) so I was confused and asked if they were going to be spending the night at the coworkers house and her cousin kind of just shrugged. something was off and I could sense it. so that's Saturday and on Monday I decided to check her location history in the maps application and surprise surprise she left her coworkers house at 11 pm and went to a military base. so let me rewind Sunday morning she got to my house at around 9 am and we had sex for the first time since the abortion because they told her she was very fertile and should wait. so we did. however when we had sex her vagina didn't feel as tight as it normally does. Then she knocked out for several hours like if she hadn't slept. she wakes up we have sex and her vagina feels a little tighter honestly. let me rewind again the last two weeks we had been talking about how we were going to have a ton of sex when we could start again. she didn't seem too interested after two go's. so back to Monday I confront her about her location her history and she Denys it she said she had thought about it but didn't go. I showed her the history and then she just starts saying we're done and starts kicking me out. I also had noticed that on the first of August she had gone half way to the military base and spend the night at a hotel when she supposedly was with a friends pool. At this point I felt broken and I genuinely didn't want to live anymore. I told her to please just listen to me and she just kept telling me to leave. I finally just started telling her not to let me leave because I genuinely wanted to go and kill myself. It was a real feeling that I never thought that would ever hit me. I was scared. She didn't seem to care so I just wanted to leave, I was going to do kill myself I really was. I started driving towards the desert. Then she contacted my sister and she was worried. I don't know what it was about that but it just felt somebody cared about me. I don't know what else to say about that. I felt like there was nothing for me in this world.. I had lost my baby and my gf clearly cheated on me. so I pulled over and was sitting at a gas station and was texting my gf and asked her if I could go back and she said yes so I went and it was just like before not much talking.now at this point I had bought her a MacBook Air because the initial laptop she had bought was trash. so all her texts were synced with her phone. I took it with me and went through everything and she had deleted everything from ej and blocked him again. but there was still f. she was texting him that she loved him and missed him and how she thinks about how things would have been if they had got together. It broke me down further.Now my gf and I are still together. I don't know what's happening with us. I honestly don't have any hope of it turning into anything anymore. frankly I don't really have hope of anything. most days I don't feel anything I just feel numb and when I do feel its just heartbreak and a lot of sadness. I still miss my little baby and cry all the time. My gf asks me what's wrong but I don't even want to bring anything up because I just feel like its a lost cause. its just going to be like every other time where we don't talk and I just feel hurt. I feel trapped. I often feel like I have no purpose and im just going because suicide really isn't an option. I know that its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I just don't see the end to this problem. I don't feel like I have the energy to do anything. Ive gained about 40lbs since getting with her. I used to be so happy all the time. now I don't want to feel anything because it always seems to just be pain and suffering. at night I have a hard time falling asleep and im always waking very early. I just feel like I have nothing. I wish I didn't exist.​I'm wrote this while she was asleep next to me and she seems to be waking up so I won't be doing any proof reading. but if somebody has some questions about anything please ask. if you want to give advice feel free. I know its probably going to be telling me to leave this relationship and to seek therapy and its ok if you just say that.I just want someone to respond to me I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about any of this so this seemed like the right place. I just want to feel like someone is listening.thank you for taking the time. via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/3cvvetI