Hi. First of all, it's going to be a long post because it's a matter of 5-year relationship, so I want to make everything as clear as possible for you guys. Second of all, sorry if my English is bad, I'm not a native speaker, and I don't use it as much as I would like. And third of all, this post might be all over the place, because I don't know where to begin and how to put it in words, so sorry in advance.So, as I said, I've been with my GF for 5 years now. I think I need to make it very clear already that we've never been a perfect couple, but I will get into it later. She made it clear some time ago that she would like me to propose. But it wasn't a single statement, she would remind me about it every few days, like "When are you going to buy me the ring?" or "Will you buy me the ring or not?". She's not a materialist by any means, and I will explain later why I didn't already propose. Then, a few months ago she said that I have time until the end of the year to propose or she's going to leave me.Anyway, last week she said that she invited her friend, that she hasn't seen for some time, for this weekend, so I decided that on Thursday I'd go to my parents' house so she could spend some time with just her. Then, on Wednesday she came home from work, sat with me, and said that if I'm already going alone to my parents, then maybe we should take a little break from each other, like no texting or calling, just for these few days, and that I should maybe think about us during that time because she knows what she wants. She even suggested that I should maybe talk to a psychologist. That caught me a little off-guard and we didn't really talk this through, I just said something like "Ok, if that's what you want" and still don't know exactly what she expects of me. So here I am, at my parents' house, my brain boiling from thinking about it, not knowing what to do, because as I said, we've never been a perfect couple, and honestly, I'm not sure if our relationship should go on.But, for you guys to try and help me I need to write more about how our relationship looked like from the beginning.Of course, as with every relationship, it was good at the beginning. We were happy and everything was great. But like I said earlier, we've never been a perfect couple. We've had our ups and downs. Sadly, I can't help but think that it was mostly downs...We've had our first bigger fight like 2-3 months in. I won't go into details but I'll admit that it was about something that I did, but I didn't cheat on her or anything like that. Anyway, we got through it, but I don't know, when I think about it now, I feel like it affected our relationship in the long run, because my GF can hold the grudge like forever.Which brings us to another major event that I feel impacted our relationship negatively, even to this day. After a year of being together, we've decided to move in together, but because of the costs, we've rented the apartment with my best friend. After a few months, we've argued with him over money (not big but some), and his girlfriend was involved. Maybe I'm biased because he's my best friend, but I feel that my GF could've let go or at least not put the whole blame on him, but she didn't. So after that, I've lost contact with him for like half a year, which hurt me a lot and I feel like event today my GF hasn't completely cooled off and thinks he's the biggest scammer in the world. I just don't think that's okay, sometimes people make mistakes, and I'm sure as hell he didn't really want any of that, but she just can't let go.I don't think there were any more bigger arguments or negative incidents between us besides that. But there's a ton of little ones, about like doing or not doing something in the house. Or not doing something that she would like you to do but didn't tell you, because you should somehow know. And other little stuff that I can't even think of. I understand that all couples argue about such things, but I'm certain it's not to that capacity. And no, I don't think that expecting the other person to do things around a house is not okay. But just say it nicely. I generally don't give a shit if there's a lot of dishes in the sink or if there's a mess around a house. And I understand that my GF might be tired or just not feel like cleaning it. That's fine. I do it myself when it starts bugging me. But I don't keep nagging her about it. On the other hand, she over the years got to the point, where I feel like she can't say anything without making it sound passive-aggressive. And I think she doesn't realize that although I talked to her about it many times. And I got to the point, where even the slightly aggressive comments get me boiling, I raise my voice, and the argument starts. And I always considered myself a truly calm person. The point is, I think the number of arguments we've had over the years really affected us. Of course, we make up afterward or just move on, but it is just nerve-wracking in the long run.But even besides all the arguments, I feel like our relation lacks in depth. We don't really have any common friends. We can hardly have a meaningful conversation without disagreeing on something or arguing about it. We can watch a movie and not discuss it after or there is no real engagement in the discussion. I don't know why it is like that. It really sucks. I mean, I generally don't talk a lot and am a quiet person, but I can have interesting conversations and talk about a lot of things with my best friend that I mentioned earlier. Well, it's mostly he who talks, he is quite talkative, but I can engage in conversation a lot more than usual.I have to mention that after like, I don't know, 2 years of us being together, her family (specifically her dad and brother-in-law) started to push the topic of my proposal on every occasion. And I mean EVERY. It was always half-jokingly I think and I always responded that of course I have plans and everything comes in time. But as we were seeing each other pretty frequently it quickly started to get annoying hearing it for the 100th time. And as I said earlier, my GF picked up on it and literally started nagging me about it like at least once a week.And yeah, I started having doubts about all this, I don't know, like 2-2,5 years ago. I know a lot of you will probably trash me for this, how I can be with her all this time if I'm not sure, that I'm wasting her time, or how I can raise my voice at her. And I understand that. But I really care for her deeply and I guess I hoped that something will change over time, but I don't think it really does. We just pressed on somehow. And I know I'm writing about all the bad stuff, but we've also had good times. For example, last year we went to Egypt on holiday for 2 weeks and it was a really fun and chill time that I wish we could have more of.So, all these problems are one of the reasons I haven't proposed to this day. Stupid doubts that I wish I didn't have. Because I know she cares about me too, despite all this. But I don't know if the good outweighs the bad in that case. Because we have these problems now and I fear what would be if we got married and more serious responsibilities came. Like children or debt or anything. I don't want my children to have to hear parents yelling at each other nor I want my kids to have divorced parents.The other reason I haven't proposed is that I'm not really in a great place in my life right now. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever been. I've "wasted" 3 years of my life graduating with a minor college degree (Idk if that's how you say it) that doesn't really give me anything. That's how I met my GF btw. Then we both went on to study law which I dropped out of after 3 years because I wasn't happy doing that. I just finished my 1st year of IT studies, because that's what I've been doing my whole life, sitting in front of a computer but I didn't think I'd do good so I went on with the other fields. Anyway, that leaves me with 3 more years of studying. I have a pretty awful job that I don't enjoy but I don't know what else I could do until I finish with my degree. I also feel like I'm mediocre at best at everything. Even with IT stuff or video games which I love and play a ton, I am not that great. But that's not the point of this post...I tried several times telling my girlfriend that I'm a mess and don't know how and when I'll get my shit together, that I'm not a great boyfriend and she deserves someone better and should look for that. But she wouldn't do that and I'm not sure if that's because she cares and loves me that much, or would she just need to have a better option before leaving me.It's not like I was actively trying to break up, but even the slight hints that maybe we are not that good together ended up in her crying and saying that I've never given a shit about her and I couldn't do it.I almost broke up with her a year ago, obviously, she cried, and we started talking, then I cried and we agreed that we'll try to make things better and "we'll see", basically. I guess things maybe got a little better, but it may be due to her new job, she's working more, thus we see each other less. But we still can fight over the stupidest shit.And here's the thing - she has to see how things are, right? Just has to see all the arguments, lack of topics to talk about, that I can be a shitty boyfriend. And I don't know if she thinks that me proposing to her will suddenly change everything. That she'll stop being passive-aggressive, that I'll stop getting angry so easily or we'll have more things to talk about? I don't think that's how it works. And when she thinks about our future, doesn't she think about things like if we had children and kept arguing as we do now?Anyway, this brings us to today and me writing this, wondering if it's even a good idea. I know I went all over the place with this, I'm not good at storytelling, sorry for that. Some of you may judge me harshly, that I'm the asshole and I don't care about my girlfriend. I do care, but sadly, that makes me think that she'd be better without me. I'm sitting here and thinking that maybe I want too much from life like I expect some perfect relationship, that maybe this isn't so bad after all when I think about us actually having fun watching some stupid videos. But I think it's just my brain trying to trick me, cause I'm probably scared of being alone. And I just really don't want to see her suffer because it breaks my heart. I wonder if she maybe prepared for the worst. I mean, she asked me to think things through, so she must've assumed all possibilities, right?Okay, I'm done now. It's a lot, but I hope at least some of you guys read this and help me clear my mind a little. I think we're just burned out, even if there are still feelings, and I think I know what I should do, but I am just not sure how to do this...TL;DR: In a relationship of 5 years. We've never been a perfect couple. A lot of meaningless arguments. She wants me to propose until the end of 2020 or she leaves me. Wants me to think things through when I'm away for a weekend. Overall, I think we're just burned out and should break up but I care for her and don't want her to suffer. Not sure how to handle things. via /r/relationships https://ift.tt/2G7i36j
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