Am I a terrible person?

I lost my father to medullary thyroid cancer when I was 9. He was diagnosed when I was 4. Some of my memories are more clear than others. We stayed at home the whole week he passed away. I had ”How To Safe A Life” on repeat for God knows how many times. Throughout my whole childhood, I found it extremely hard to acknowledge my father’s passing. I hated that everyone knew and simultaneously struggled with telling people I don’t know about it. I remember going to numerous doctor’s visits because I was having stomach pins, headaches and nausea. I thought something was wrong with me.For 10 years, I denied and buried my feelings. I hated when my psychiatrists would explain it away as a result of my father’s death and that it ”wasn’t a trauma”. I didn’t cry about it and very rarely thought about him to the point where I was beginning to question whether I was a cold person. At 19, I finally broke down in tears. I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and now I’m here.I feel an immense guilt about not being able to relate to peoples’ losses when they’re at an age where it is to be expected. I’m generally a very empathetic person, but at 9, I barely understood what was going on. I knew he was sick and dying, but you always hold onto hope even when docs say that the cancer has spread throughout his body and that he has x amount of months left. I was never prepared to say goodbye to him. He was my best friend. A special relationship that I’ve felt unable to replace.My mom doesn’t even compare. My mother lost both of her parents a while ago, but they saw her graduate, get married and have kids. My dad didn’t even get to see me complete elementary school. He was a healthy, athletical, non-smoker and drinker, but was still led to such a cruelly unforgiving disease and went out in such a painful way. From running every day to crutches, then wheelchair and bedbound. Seeing him slowly but surely wither away at the age of 57. What kind of life is that? I can’t relate to people my age when they say stuff like ”I hate my dad, he won’t give me an iPad”. Well, at least you have one. via /r/ChildrenofDeadParents https://ift.tt/2Goq9aM