i cant pay attention to anything anymore because im constantly thinking about how much of a failure i am.

i cant pay enough attention to anything anymore because my mind is just filled with negative thoughts all the time.my stepmom has clearly told me multiple times how much of a failure and a disappointment ive been and fucking yelled at me telling me how useless and irresponsible i am, how much she hates me and how much of a problem i am to them and im constantly reminded of it everyday, and the more i think about it the less attention i can pay to anything else and the more of a fucking failure i am. i turned 16 years old last month and im already being called an adult and told that i should get my shit together to start working in 2 years and its all even more overwhelming for me because i really dont know what im doing. and i fucking hate that i dont. because they then proceed to try to help me out and then fucking lash out at me for not taking any of their advice and this is all because im too distracted thinking about how much of a failure i am to even hear them tell me more shit i didnt even ask for.most of the time i wanna fucking hide from my parents so bad and i feel like this isnt normal and it shouldnt be happening, i almost feel like their lives would be better if i was just dead.and im even more stressed everyday because i have a s/o to worry about as well, who is clearly in a worse place mentally and i have to keep myself from opening up to him most of the time because i dont wanna make him feel worse than he does, however i wouldnt even be capable of leaving him or anything anyones advice would tell me because hes the only person who can give me a the least bit of happiness anymore and i care about him too much. i avoid telling him whenever i self harm at this point because im afraid he might hurt himself too.i cant keep up with school, i cant even catch up with school at this point because ive wasted my time and everyday it only gets worse. im constantly being reminded of it and i feel like a failure all the time. i thought it shouldve been possible for me to find happiness in what i do and such but on such an environment like the one im in its just impossible unless i actually have time to talk to my s/o, and even then i have such limited contact with him its even more sad. we dont even live in the same country, and i often try not to point this out at all because this makes us both lose hope. aside from that, i thought it was possible to be happy in life, but now it just feels fucking impossible.i often think about when i used to be happy when i was a kid and didnt have any of those overwhelming responsibilities to worry about, and i fucking miss that so much. and it hurts so much because i dont think itll ever happen again and i think im still too young but im already being called an adult and its all so overwhelming in my head.i feel like an adult trapped in a childs body and a child trapped in an adults body and everythings upside down and it doesnt make sense.i could kill myself but i dont want to because i care too much about my s/o and i even plan on having a future with him, but he keeps bringing himself down because even when hes trying his best he can barely do anything to help on his part and he loses hope in me whenever he sees me like this and even suggested that maybe we should both kill ourselves now so we dont have to deal with the pain anymore. that fucking broke me. so since then i dont really wanna open up to him about me feeling like this so thats why im writing this here. i dont know where else i could.my goal in life isnt to work as any of my hobbies or be succesful or wealthy or any of that, it isnt even really to kill myself. my only goal in life is to be happy. but i dont think i could even explain that to my parents and expect them to understand. via /r/SuicideWatch https://ift.tt/34jsdsS