Ok so yeah I know the title doesn’t really make all that much since but pretty much here’s what’s going on Also sorry for bad grammar and formatting I’m on mobileSo before I can really get into detail I need to tell a little about me. When I was a kid I was sexually abused by my biological mothers husband and it’s something that I have never been fully able to get over. I’ve been to therapy and other things to try to cope with it but it’s just something I can’t get over. Because of what happened I get panic attacks anytime there is any type of sexual activity or could lead to it. I have had one girlfriend who is the only person I’ve kissed and had sex with because she was the only person I could trust. When I was 18 she found out she was pregnant with our child and couldn’t face her super conservative Christian parents so she killed herself. That really fucked me up so basically for the past 4 years I’ve swore off dating and any relationship in general.Ok so now this brings me to the situation I’m in now. I’ve been pretty depressed lately and lonely so my therapist had told me that I should put myself out there and try dating. I told her no can’t happen and she pretty much explained that I need to work through what happened at my own pace but going on some dates could help so I pretty much said fuck it I’ll sign up on a dating app. After about 2 months of matching with people I just didn’t click with I matched with her. We hit it off and I had to explain to her a fucked up living situation I’m in and she was fine with that. She came over last Monday and we talked and watched a movie but she was wanting to make out the whole night in which I just played hard to get. Like I teased and what not as to avoid a kiss and a certain panic attack. Over the next week we have been pretty much snapping constantly and flirting to the point that she wanted to come over again. So this past Monday she came over and again we watched a movie and this time I said fuck it I’ll give kissing a go. We had a small kiss which to my surprise didn’t lead to a panic attack but led to me realizing it seems like I’ve completely forgotten how to kiss if that’s even possible. I’ve only been with one other person but I didn’t think I’d forget what to do. So I tried to pass it off as me just being a bad kisser but it just got more awkward (didn’t help I hit her nose where she just got a new piercing and it made me laugh). Finally I realized she was getting annoyed with me so I just came out and said why I’m having such a hard time with this. Obviously she was upset and I get it. I wasn’t honest with her and it really embarrassed her and I felt like complete shit (still do). Well after about 15 min of a super awkward silence she finally said that we can only go up from there and that it’ll be alright. For the rest of the night we watched her favorite movie and joked and laughed about vaping until almost 2 in the morning. She was supposed to come back yesterday but it just didn’t pan out and now she’s starting to seem distant and can’t seem to find time to make plans anymore. I really like her and I don’t know what to do at this point or hell maybe I’m just thinking way too much into it. Any advice would be great thanks via /r/relationship_advice https://ift.tt/31uEslG
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