HSC and death of a parent

Long story short, I don't know where to post this but my dad died on October 1st. I was the one who found him, I'm only 17 and he was dead for hours by the time I found him (I was visiting my mum and just got back home). I don't even know how he died yet. Avoiding all the gnitty gritty details I am absolutely torn. I mean my dad is dead, I can't even wrap my head around it and I want him back so bad. But anyway, onto the other topic of this, I have the HSC in less than 20days. Of course I have no fucking motivation to study and don't even want to look at a textbook. I sacrificed so much time for this stupid HSC - not visiting my mum, spending less time with my dad as I was in my room trying to study - and it just feels so infuriating. It feels so trivial. I want to try to sit the HSC but I am traumatised by what I have seen (seeing a counsellor and therapist soon) and have to organise what to do with the house, my beloved pets, the funeral, etc. All my family is in queensland and even then I never really spoke to them. My only family is my dad, mum, sisters and my mums parents. I feel so lost and I want to try to study for the HSC and get a good (85) atar and get into uni and make them and dad proud but I don't know if I can do it. I want time to grieve my dad and I'd feel like a disrespectful kid if I started studying for the stupid hsc so soon. I know I get extra atar points and all that, and I already have special provisions from anxiety. I feel so selfish but I just want to sleep and cry and mourn my dad. Teachers told me to relax and take time off and not study, which is what I have definitely been doing but they also encouraged me to 'study when I can to regain normalacy'. I don't know what to do. My whole life is turned upside down and nothing is 'normal'. How much study should I be doing? I don't know what people are expecting of me... I'm back in the house now and it's so hard and there's so much to organise. Dad and I were only really close with each other (and my older sister who lives far away at uni) so it feels so much harder to make decisions. I just ugh, I want him back. via /r/Grieving https://ift.tt/3juEwJg