Brain Vomit

Hi guys, I'm completely new to Reddit so please forgive me if anything about this post is weird. I don't even know why I wanted to join this sub, but I guess I was looking for validation? I want someone who understands to read this? I don't know.I have always been a little nervous, and I noticed it happened moreso when I went to college and my scholarship hung on the grades that I earned. After I used up my scholarship, my parents helped me pay for my degree, and I stressed about passing all the classes and not wasting my parents' money. That was my biggest fear.Like I said, just a little nervousness. However, last year I had my first "real" job after getting my degree, and it was a handful. I'm a speech language pathologist assistant, and I worked at a public school. I was started off by given 65~ students to see a week, which increasing to 75~. It was a LOT but my supervisor assured me that this would have been the biggest and hardest job I will ever have.I freaking LOVED that job and jumped to renew my contract for another year. My supervisor was thrilled. She told me she loved me and was super super happy that I was going to join her again for the next year. I was excited to return.The end of 2019 was a dumpster fire and a half though, and it was like bad things kept happening after another. First, my supervisor gave me a bigger portion of our caseload that we were sharing. Unlike the previous year, she had me work with kindergartners. In this particular job, I not only had little kids, but little kids with autism, all ranging in the spectrum. Some screamed, threw tantrums, threw things across the room, and the worst bit was that my suprevisor told me that these kids were NOT like this when they were with her last year. Every single second of the day I started having these extremely negative thoughts that plagued me and told me that I did not deserve this job. I was ruining these kids' lives. I was letting my supervisor down. I was going to get fire.Guys. It got so bad that I would cry in the bathroom, and at three points I cried in our classroom. Before work, I'd sit in the parking lot in my car having a panic attack knowing that this day was going to go badly. I went home with deep chest pains and I couldn't stop thinking about work.During this time, my sister was dating a complete jerk. He broke up with her because of my mom's 'meddling' (read: actual advice to slow things down and look at red flags that were showing up in their relationship) and then THE DAY AFTER PROPOSED TO HER. Instead of slowing things down, fights kept breaking up day after day between my sister and my mom, and one day my sister just packed up and left. That same day he took my sister to the freaking courthouse to elope.Then, to put the icing on the cake, we learned our grandma had stage 4 cancer.Guys. Every single day I was crying in my room, thinking about work, my sister, and my mental health. I would call my friend in tears telling them I didn't know what was going on. I spiraled down panic attacks almost every day.I ended up quitting work (reluctantly) early in the school year feeling like I was letting everyone down. I feel like my supervisor hates me, and that my parents were disappointed in me.My parents were awesome and were a great support group, though now I feel like I can't really talk to them about this anxiety because I know sometimes I annoy them about it.I took a few months to relax and try to figure myself out, and I managed to learn a few ways to cope-- some breathing exercises, taking a walk outside, drinking tea, journaling, etc. All these still help.Now I have a new job and while I can recognize when I can feel overwhelmed and use my coping mechanisms to help me through the anxiety, I still have moments.I'm so scared of letting anyone down. I'm worried about a parent disliking me. I'm scared that I'm actually this imposter who somehow got this great job and doesn't deserve it. I even feel like my supervisor and my boss praising me are just doing it to make me feel better and I feel so stupid for believing it.I genuinely hate feeling this way.It distracts me from work and it depresses me to the point where I don't want to do anything enjoyable.I don't even know why I posted here. I think it was just to relieve some of my thoughts. I'm supposed to be doing some paperwork but I feel really distracted right now. via /r/Anxiety https://ift.tt/36nADBY