A long and boring rant of a stupid teen

I’ve talked with my psychiatrist and parents about my search for other people with schizophrenia of my age, I asked them for psychosis support groups and my psychiatrist told me, not exactly like this:“You should look to be surrounded by healthier people, it’s like addicts, if you spend too much time with them you’ll probably become an addict too, so, if you spend too much time with other people with schizophrenia you’ll become unstable, as most of them are unstable”I feel so happy while talking with other people with my illness, why can’t I do that? Why should I restrain myself from what I want? I want to help them if they are unstable, I just want to be happy, unstable people with this illness are not like addicts.They would comprehend me if I start dissociating, they would know how to help me with other symptoms like hallucinations, they would relate to me so much.People make fun of me, every time I fall in love I fail, and they find that funny, my mom makes fun of me because I fell in love with a girl that was so damn obvious I wouldn’t be able to be with, if they knew how empty I feel..., I don’t think it’s funny. I got excited because I thought this time I would make it, “I finally found someone my age with the illness” I was so happy, telling all my friends.They were supportive, they told me I deserved to finally be with someone, she appeared to also like me, and I ruined it, I don’t know how, what did I do, maybe I just wasn’t her type, I know that’s just how love works.Now I cry every night thinking this isn’t fair, thinking that’ll never find someone who loves me back.Maybe I’m being ridiculous; “You kidding? You live in Mexico and she lives in USA idiot” Told me my friend after I realized I would never make it. And indeed, now that I think about it I should have never tried, I shouldn’t have told her how I felt about her, I should have stayed as a friend.“You’re entertaining cause you’re crazy haha” I was told once, I fucking hate my life.“You should focus on publishing your book” my friends told me, at the same time telling me: “I won’t read your book unless you gift it to me”Has someone even read to this point? I’m boring as fuck, crying because of shit everyone here has suffered from, and I just can’t bear it.I’m still trying, I’m not gonna kill myself, not for a while at least.“You shouldn’t be in a relationship if you’re so unstable, no one deserves having to bear your shit” It’s what I tell myself, I don’t deserve being with someone.“You must be fucking kidding, you’re only 16 and you want to find the love of your life” A friend told me.No one in my family apologized for hitting me so many times after I got diagnosed, maybe I’m asking for too much, they said: “that’s why he was so weird”.I’m sorry for making you read all of this, I’m starting to dissociate right now, I’m gonna take my meds. via /r/schizophrenia https://ift.tt/3dv8Eli