We are a small family (2 parents and a 2 year old) sharing a small house with a single parent - he has part time custody of his 3 year old. He has what sounds like an OK co-parenting relationship with his child's mother, but we can't be sure, as we've never met her (every time a meeting is arranged, she decides not to show up - roommate describes her as flaky).His 3 year old is large for her age, but appears to be behind of verbal milestones (only uses 1-2 word sentences, resorts immediately to pushing, hitting and grabbing instead of asking for something, tends to just.... growl? instead of talking and throws massive 5-15 min tantrums at the slightest denial or delay of something she wants, and she's a large child - size of a 5 year old - so this means some very brutal kicks and punches. She will run up and punch me and her father full in the stomach (an extra concern as I'm 5 months pregnant). I'm able to keep my emotions mostly out of my interactions with her, and try to praise her and give her a lot of positive encouragement when I see good behaviour (listening, sharing, asking for help instead of trying to throw/force something, saying please), and firmly redirect or remove her from things when she's acting out but my husband is having a rough time remembering she's a kid and isn't really at fault for her behavioural issues and has been getting angry with her, which I am trying to work with him on.Our daughter is pretty advanced for her age - 3-5 word sentences, does have 1-2 min tantrums, but comes out of them very quickly unless she is exhausted (I don't indulge tantrums in the slightest, which is a skill picked up from my work history), lots of physical skills - climbing, jumping, throwing, etc (we follow the heavy work philosophy when it comes to activity), and we've been very pointedly teaching her please/thank yous/no thank yous, so that she actually uses them most of the time (because nothing happens if she doesn't use them). She's a shy, introverted kid most of the time and pretty sweet - will go into the cupboard and bring people food, or give them hugs and kisses and "it's OKs" if they're sad or hurt.It came to a head today, because our daughter was trying to play with his daughter - she brought in several of her own toys into the playroom and offered them to his daughter while chattering "play with me" and singing. Roommate's daughter snatched the toys away, told my daughter to "go away", and then when my daughter didn't leave immediately, she pushed my daughter down and punched her repeatedly until my daughter fled the room crying. My husband was right outside the door and firmly told roommate's daughter not to hit, and roommate, once informed of what happened, told his daughter "we don't hit people OK?" and took his daughter into their bedroom for 2 minutes, then let her out again without any further action or consequences.I had to talk my husband out of getting up in roommate's face about it and told them both that we were going to have collaborative talk about the issue when I get home from work. There's been similar incidents on a smaller scale - my daughter is not aggressive and ends up just getting hit and pushed around, and is clearly mystified by what's happening.I have nannied a lot in the past, and have a lot of experience with kids from infants up to preteens, and know they come in a spectrum - even compared to my bumper group, my kid has a lot of skills down, so I know I cannot hold roommate's kid to the same standards, even if she is a year older.Roommate is a very sweet guy, and otherwise a great roommate - clean, respectful, similar schedule and hobbies, etc, but has a LOT of mental health (severe anxiety) and trauma issues, and has told me he has very little experience with kids other than his daughter. He's devoted to his daughter and spends tons of time playing with her and in lieu of consequences/discipline, appears to spend a lot of time trying to gently coach and reason with her (tantrums are met with him trying to sooth her, he tries to reason with her instead of removing her, etc.) and while I've mostly tried to keep out of his parenting, I'm worried because his daughter is very capable of hurting my daughter, and could easily hurt the newborn baby once it arrives.I can be very authorative/ assertive, so I'm trying to find a more collaborative/gentle way to talk to roommate about it, while still getting the seriousness of my concerns across. I know exactly how I would address his daughter's behaviour if she was left solely in my charge for hours at a time (lots of positive reinforcement for good behaviour, and being a neutral but firm disciplinarian with immediate but reasonable consequences for tantrums or violent behaviour), but I work full time and it's my husband who is home (he is in full time online school) with them and is struggling. I honestly have no idea how to break down my experience into something digestible for both husband and roommate, because I know I'm going to be stepping on roommate's toes parenting-wise no matter what, because for my daughter's safety and emotional well-being, we can't keep having this level of aggressive behaviour.I also think roommate's severe anxiety makes it very difficult for him emotionally to hold firm boundaries with his daughter, and I was wondering if there were any parents out there who have managed to overcome that or have strategies I could suggest?*We live in a very very expensive city, so if there were no improvements for awhile, then we would consider asking roommate to find another place, but it's not going to be an immediate solution as we cannot afford rent on our own, neither can he and not many people want to live with toddlers. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/3j9huax
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