I think talking about my abuse wit my parents may actually made me realize my discomfort more when I see my parents

So I thought for a while and got worried I might visit my parents more for more stupid things after talking about trauma with my therapist especially because I think my therapist try’s to remain neutral to my relationship with my parents because I think how I act I think makes her think I possibly want to see them as i a hard time with boundaries with them saying my ptsd has hurt my relathionship with my parents but also telling me I really don’t have to see them I wantHowever I think my brain may be making up my mind talking to herIdk I feel like maybe the feelings are dissociated or drowned out by other feelings or something beforeIdk I just know I started talking to her and talking more abut the csa part of my abuse just a little more (still have not gotten to a lot) I had this feeling like I wanted to see them but decided to try going to the groccery store but it was hot and I don’t have a car so visited them to helpThat day there was nothing accept I fell asleep by mistake on my moms bed while playing video games with my brother which creeped me out and I started having a possibly unique And disturbing dream about My brothers video game but in rl but playing and the other characters if you loose seem to be sexually abused (it was kinda blurry and hard to tell)I then woke upThe next day I called my parent I did but felt idk like I don’t know how to explain like the the world is over I have to remain silent this is shocking I’m calling anxious why am I doing this like a hot chill I don’t know how to explain like I felt like I was almost mute too(I have never fully done this but one time I was close someone answered me and I felt like I could not talk for a few seconds or The other more grey areas is how I find is hard to open up or say certain thing to my therapist or anyone and find myself shifting the conversation by mistake (like I tried to talk about csa and ended up talking a little about details I feel I did not explain well but we’re mostly talked about then then and also my fawning I can control that sometimes happens which I feel is revolutionary utena style without the subtle big manipulation (If you watched this anime I think I would call what Anthony does fawning though more manipulative for those that did not watch this if you watched Steven universe Steven reference this anime so much there may not have be a Steven universe without it to give a clue (Both shows really help me see my own behavior)anyway the next call I’mI feel like I had this reaction each time I was just so emotionally clouded I could not feel it where I was feeling emotional pain at times and thinking it was physical pain The eventually I realized now I only have a few places in my body like that have big pain this I suspect my head and I suspect possibly one of my fingers that often hurts and I pick it a lot but doctors have told me there’s nothing wrong though there is possibly a diffrent looking none because I broke it as a kid But I should not be in pain (Either that of its from touching it so roughly so much as the so called bone seems to swell and then get bigger from looks)Anyway it better and I think that’s why I feel chills (also because I realize my parents relathionship even without the verbal abuse still there and homophobia is still unhealthyBecause I am almost more and more sure my mom is trying to copy me and I just think is not healthy especially the age I am where I’m still learning what I want via /r/CPTSD https://ift.tt/3j68mDL