If you read this, then omg bless you lol.My life isn't too bad. You know, I have the normal family. Dysfunctional. Alcoholic sister, Drug addict sister, the successful sister, brother with aspergers but he is also more successful than me. My depression started in Middle school. I've always been extremely shy and antisocial though. All of elementary school I've had at most 2 friends. Middle school I had my small group, typical drama. Some girl comes in, tries to push me out and take my place in the group. Claimed to be my best friend, spilled my secrets. Normal middle school drama. Even though I wasn't very social though, that didn't stop a few kids from calling me ugly and making fun of my appearance. High school came and I felt like a completely different person. I had my friends, my brothers friends were there (seniors). I was comfy, but still sad. I thought this was the time where I would remake myself. That didn't work lol. No one bullied me, everything was pretty chill. 11th grade came, all my friends started dropping out, leaving school, or just drifting. Being extremely shy, this cause immence anxiety for me. I had no one, absolutely no one. I was so scared of going to school. Where am I going to sit at lunch? Who will I talk to in my free time? Who am I going to partner with? Who is going to help me? I would skip day after day. Eventually it got to the point where I had 1 friend, and in every class I'd just sleep straight through it. I remember one time the teacher confronted me about it, she made it loud and clear for everyone else to hear. I thought I was going to cry, luckily the bell wrung, so I just shrugged my shoulders and left. I would miss weeks of school. I was only 16, which was the age i could drop out at. So eventually I did just that. Long story short, I did online but I lacked the motivation so gave up on that too. I had a relationship, online lol. It wasn't healthy for me, they were never there and in the end they told me to kill myself. I had a friend who told me that I am no help at all. Life goes by, I am just floating through it. I'm 18 now, going to be 19 next month. My nieces are in foster care and we are trying our best to get them back. I am very critical of myself and i've been gaining weight which has really been bringing me down even more. I have a bf, and he helps me so freaking much. I absolutely love him. We've been together for a whole year, but again its online. Sometimes I think he is the only that that motivates me to live. I take meds, and go to therapy. I haven't finished school. Can't keep a job due to anxiety. Can't go to gym alone, again due to anxiety. Family is having money problems, both parents have huge health problems. I dunno, I feel like all of this doesn't matter though. With or without it, I've always felt like there was no point to living. I never thought I'd make it to 18 years old. Now that I'm here though, I feel so lost. It sucks so much, cause many coping skills don't help, and I'm already aware of my irrational thoughts. I know there are things to live for, but I just don't want to. I have no clue what I'm doing. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. Sorry for the clutter. I hope you're feeling okay though, feeling like this isn't so great and I'm sorry if you're dealing with depression too. I hope you make it through!! Small achievements are the best achievements (: via /r/depressed https://ift.tt/336xQLK
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