I (F/20) am a college student. My entire life, I have lived to have the cleanest good girl image that I could. My parents are the best that a person could ask for, so I have tried to honor them with a little golden child they could brag about. Straight As, never missed school, did community service, near perfect SATs. I worked tirelessly to be on-paper perfect.One of the reasons I've worked so hard to earn Good Noodle Stars is to make up for the fact that I am terminally homosexual. I realized early that I could literally cure cancer and the first comment on the news video will be, "okay, she cured cancer, but at least I'm not gay like she is." I could raise thousands for charity, and my aunts would still say, "our kids may not get off the couch but at least they have sex correctly." So they dont know. Few people do, none outside my closest circle.In walks Kris(NB/21). Kris is an anachronism. They are both a romantic with and without a capital R. Be still my Dark Academia heart.We got very close last year before school broke for Covid. Kris wrote me a letter every week, encrypted and folded so that the only way to open them was to rip a paper seam that would show if someone had tampered with them. It was intoxicating. It was the first time I felt able to communicate freely about anything. I dont know - I didnt hold back my emotions, emboldened by writing in cipher. I spent all summer waiting for those red sealed envelopes, filled with stories and poetry and honeyed nonsense, and I refused to not respond with mirrored passion.That was all great until it set in that I was going to have to face Kris within the month. I prayed our school would decide all students had to stay remote. Of course I wanted to see Kris, I wanted to do much more than just see them, but I knew it would only be a matter of time between us being reunited and them asking me out.This was a person who crafted a puzzle where the answers were flowers that were a declaration of fidelity in Victorian Flower Language. Of course I ate that up with a spoon. You would have too. Kris is handsome and a genius and I am not used to feeling connected to anyone. But for all that joy, I was also drowning with the thought of having to break their heart by explaining I cant date anyone AFAB.The semester starts. Kris asks me over for a homecooked meal since restaurants don't exist here at the end of the world. They made me a beautiful dinner with all my dietary needs in mind. Just like everything else I ate it up. And I made no effort to stop them from inviting me over for food and conversation again and again and a fourth time just to make sure it really hurt.They kissed me Wednesday. And I kissed them back, before stopping. They apologized for moving too quickly, but I explained that they had moved at the perfect pace, just with the wrong person.I have been crying for 2 days.My parents did nothing wrong to get a gay kid. It makes me ill to think about dishonoring them and all their sacrifices.Fuck.I feel so stuck. via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/3dcJPux
No comments:
Post a Comment