TIFU by being a mom.

From a young age I remember wanting one thing more than anything else in the world. I didn't want to be a princess or a pony or even a new doll. I just wanted to be a mom and be pregnant. I remember wishing on a star or wishing on a wishbone as a four year old, hoping I'd wake up one morning and just be a mom.You see I wanted to be a mom because I knew I was adopted and my real mother wasn't the greatest. She had 9 kids but only kept my little brother. I was the eighth and he was the ninth. I knew that I didn't want to be a mother like her and wanted to be a mother like my foster mother who was amazing but passed away when I was 11. Things were hard after that but my foster father and I got passed it. There are some bumps in the road but that's another story.When I got to high school i met this guy. He was tall, sweet and funny. He was everything i wanted. I was sure i was in love with him. We started dating during our second year and I was sure we were gonna get married. I may have forced him to propose to me a couple of times with a ring a friend gave us. At this point, since having to grow up, I wasn't really thinking about kids since I knew my dad would kill me if I had a baby so young so those ideas weren't in my mind and I continued my high school life.After high school my boyfriend and I were still dating and he ended up buying an actual engagement ring and proposed under a heart firework on the 4th of july. We got married and I immediately wanted a baby. Now my husband knew about my wishes but told me to wait a year. I wasn't having that and we ended up trying anyway. I know I'm horrible. I realized that things weren't going so well with my body as cough cough "mother nature" wasnt stopping when it should've. When I went to doctor they told me that there was a possibility that something was wrong with my uterus and if things didn't clear up I would have to get a hysterectomy. My chances of having a baby were destroyed and I had gotten depressed.Luckily things had cleared up and I rememeber this clearly as if it just happened. Nov.9 was my appointment and I had asked if I should try again to have a baby. The doctor said yes and Dec.2 I found out I was pregnant! Woo! Dream come true! Mission accomplished! Right? Wrong!I knew a baby was going to be hard work. Once I found out I started watching and reading things to learn about what I should expect so much that my husband got sick of it. I asked my older sisters what their experience was like. I even asked my ex girlfriend who had had a baby 6 months before I had mine. She terrified me since her whole pregnancy was pretty bad. However besides the morning sickness being so bad I had to quit my job my pregnancy was good. Even the labor wasn't that bad. I would do it all again if my experience was like the first time...but i won't. Not after learning what I learned.Again I knew babies were work. I expected not to sleep and I expected not to have much of a social life. I knew my life was going to be different but after having my son I realized that, for me, having a baby at 25 was too early.After the first week of bringing him home, after not sleeping for 2 days at the hospital because of my labor and not being able to rest after having him 2 days before bringing him home, I fainted. I got depressed and almost ended my life because of the constant struggle of new parenthood and I couldn't stand knowing that I would be stuck at home dealing with the baby by myself as my husband had to work and wasnt allowed maternity leave. My family wasnt much help and the only person we had was my husband's mother and we didnt get along...at all.I honestly couldn't wait for my son to get older as I was tired of dealing with the constant crying. I wanted to go back to when I was pregnant with him and when I was so happy but I couldn't do that. I started to resent him and the sleepless nights made me irritable. I hated myself because I was the one who wanted this and didnt count on this being as crazy as it was despite my countless research. I didnt want him and even asked my husband if it was too late to give him up for adoption. I know this sounds cruel and I sound like the most horrible mother in the world but I didnt want my child to grow up knowing that his own mother hated him. I didnt want my child to resent me into the way I resented my biological mother for not taking care of me or my other 7 older siblings. But dont worry this has a happy ending! Cause right now as I'm writing this my son is still here. Hes 2 now and hes such a wonderful person to be around.I realized that yes even though I learned I wasnt the most patient person in the world and even though I learned that the tiniest things get me angry I decided to not give up. I wanted to be a mother for so long. I had to know that I'd be able to do it. My husband is a great support and I have 2 amazing best friends who have helped me with my depression and my social needs.I completely understand women and men who cant parent and make the decision to not keep a child. It's hard! But I believe if you have a good support system and if you try hard good things can happen. Again my child is 2 now and I dont regret keeping him. I have thoughts to this day sometimes, not gonna lie. Sometimes I believe that my life would be a lot easier if I didnt have him but I love my son. I'm so happy to watch him grow and learn! I love his hugs and kisses and I love how he makes my husband smile every time he comes home from work. I love my baby boy now and forever!TL;DR When I became a mother, I hated my kid and wanted to smother him to death! via /r/tifu https://ift.tt/3jdTqCy