Hello, people of r/christianity. I'm 22. This post is pretty much what the title says. I've been depressed for half my life but this time I truly have zero capacity and desire to continue on with my life. This is pretty much my last try to change things around. Otherwise, I'm just going to give up. Not necessarily as in killing myself (although this is something I fantasize about) as I wouldn't want to disrespect God in such a way. I'm also quite scared of what would happen to my soul if I did.I do want to give you a bit of background to why I feel this way so bear with me please. Also please don't judge me too much. I'm posting here because I would like to gain other Christians' input on my issues because I wish to heal through God, I just don't know how to approach it. I don't know many other Christians in real life and the ones I know are too judgmental to talk to. Also if you suggest therapy, I can't really afford it.Let me list some of the reasons why I feel this way.1)I am very lonely and can't trust anybody. (abusive parents, narcissistic boyfriend, close friends not living in the same country anymore.) All of those people have broken my trust in one way or another or are too emotionally unavailable for me to talk to.2)I am burdened by a lot of trauma due to being exposed to a lot of sexual content by my father at a young age, feeling unsafe in my own home because of him, my mother not respecting my body autonomy and a few instances where I have been taken advantage of in a sexual way when I was a child. (not raped) These experiences led to me acting out sexually when I was a child which resulted in me sexually harassing another kid and animals. I was very young when I did this but it haunts me to this day.3) I have some chronic health issues. It's nothing permanent but I'm unable to resolve them because they're a direct product of stress and I'm very anxious 24/7. It is making my life miserable though and 10 times harder as it leaves me in so much pain a lot of the days. This is the one thing I've prayed over the most but so far it hasn't gone away for the past 3 years.4) I have a lot of intrusive thoughts that literally TORTURE me. I feel like there's some demonic influence here because they don't feel like my thoughts and they don't reflect my own character. They're always mean, aggressive and super persistent and only go away if I confess to someone about that certain thought I had which always results in me feeling humiliated. That's the purpose of those thoughts. They're not freeing or anything. I don't know if this makes sense but I can elaborate more.5) Good things don't really happen to me. I do not believe in luck but if I did then I'd have horrible luck. It's just one bad thing after another and I'm seriously not joking. Everything that is even remotely good that happens to me gets ruined or tainted in some way so I can never actually enjoy or appreciate it.6) I feel very empty. I very rarely feel any happiness, mostly just the bad emotions. I also feel very disconnected from other people and scared they're constantly judging me which had left me almost friendless. I also feel very disconnected from reality, kind of as if I'm watching a movie through my own eyes.These are a few reasons that pop up off the top of my head. Because of these things and a few more, I constantly feel anxious, VERY guilty and lonely. How do I deal with all of these feelings? How do I fix myself? I feel like my soul is damaged at this point, to be completely honest.I was saved 3 years ago and mostly in the past couple of months I feel like I've finally managed to get closer to God. So I know that if a change is possible then the only way it can happen is with God. I just don't know how to proceed? I can feel myself getting closer and closer to Him but at the same time I don't really feel like I'm getting a clear message on what to do about the way I feel? And yet, at this point I'm just unable to keep trying on my own and it's such a horrible struggle every single day. I need a solution and I need it right now. Am I missing something? I know I sound slightly entitled but it's really not that, I've just been running on empty mentally for a very long time.I know this doesn't make a lot of sense but it's 4AM and I don't want to go to bed and wake up again tomorrow with no answers. Please give me advice. Please pray for me. I'm giving up. via /r/Christianity https://ift.tt/34c88pD
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