Completely destroyed.

Girlfriend of 5 years, and was soon to be engaged. Broke up with me 3 days ago. I can still feel pain, im not numb, but being alive, and having all the memories, and thoughts flooding my brain 24/7 is so painful. Our relationship was healthy besides the fact we argued more than most people. Not always intense arguments, but bickers. The past 2 months were the worst. She has college, work, and volunteering. Maintaining a relationship on that stressed her out even more, and she reached her breaking point. I was always supportive of her, and was there when it felt to be too much. She wanted a break at first, and we had never done something like that before so i freaked out, and made things worse by telling her i missed her, and i dont know if i can do it. We met a few days later where she told me she wanted to be done completely. I begged for another chance because i was confused, and didnt know what to do, and scared. She gave me another chance, and we went on a week long break. In that week i dug up so much junk about myself that needed to be changed, i reached out to my parents for the first time, and they gave me tremendous support, and advice that i applied to my life right away. I could feel changes in my mind, my heart felt better, i felt at peace with the break because i knew going back into it that this time would be different. This is the change we needed, and i was so excited to see her, and catch up (we didnt talk during the break). She called me a day before the break was supposed to be over, and we met up. She broke up with me without giving me a chance to prove everything to her like she said she would. She convinced herself that nothing would change, and that it was too late. She told me she talked to her brother in law who told her about how him and his wife (one of my girlfriends sisters) had dated before, and brokeup for 2 years, and got back together after 2 years, and got married, and had kids. She told me that she hopes we end up like that. I told her it made no sense because we were in a different situation, and that we can do counseling, and she can have more than a week long break if she needs to. But she wasnt convinced. She made a point that it took her reaching her breaking point to make these changes, but people had always seen us as a perfect couple, we were waiting until marriage to have sex, people thought we never argued, or had any issues, and people constantly told us that they wish they had a relationship like ours. That pressure made me try to be self sufficient. Thinking we couldnt reach out to anyone because i dont want them to know we are having issues, and that we could solve it ourselves, but sometimes for these type of people (me), a situation like this is what initiates change. Reaching out for help was the best thing i had done in a long time. I had finally opened my eyes, and realized this would be the thing that would help us. I was tired of being bound to the image, and expectation people had set for us. But she told me I didn’t care, and that if I did I would have realized this a while ago. I told her I tried to be self sufficient, and she said that wasn’t good enough. I keep trying to let her show me how I’ve improved, and she won’t listen. Now I’m sitting here not eating for 3 days, screaming and crying for 3 days till I lose my voice, cutting for the first time in years, calling the crisis hotline because I’m getting anxiety attacks again. Spending my time wishing I could have been better for her. Wishing I could go back to when we met so I could be better from the start. She isn’t just letting me go, she’s letting go my family, her bestfriend(me), I’m losing her family, no more anniversaries, no more holidays spend with each others family, no more I love you, no more I miss you, no more “I care about you, I’m here for you”, no more having someone to turn to when everything turns to crap. Nothing. She’s letting go of all of that. Now I have to get rid of everything in my room that she gave me, all the pictures we’ve had over 5 years, we started dating at 14-20 so we grew up together. Deleting all our posts on social media. I was going to propose in 3 months. I had the ring. We talked about marriage so much, and basically planned our wedding out. Everyone thought we would get married. My parents know I feel this way, and check up on me during the day, and I rant to them when I’m home. But I don’t know if I can be alive and function without her. She was everything to me. Legitimately everything. It’s too much pain to be alive. I cry out to God, but it’s still raining when I say amen. via /r/BreakUps https://ift.tt/2FRDMPS