First I want to say that if this post isn’t allowed here let me know. I need some advice and I don’t know what else to do. I also apologize for the length and I’ll try to be brief but we have a long history.I met my DH at the age of 14 when my parents brought me and my siblings to visit him and his parents in a foreign country. Our parents were close friends but due to money and timing it was the first time since their kids had been born we’d been able to meet. My DH did not make a big impression on me, honestly, but I liked him enough and considered us friends.We were Facebook/insta friends for years and would talk occasionally until 2018 when I graduated from my master’s program with about $5000 left over from my student loans. I decided to, instead of being financially responsible, spend it on a trip to see some family and friends overseas, including DH. We hit it off and before I knew it I was in a LDR.DH’s home country and the US have very tight immigration laws, and as such if I wanted to see him I needed to go to him. I went about twice in a year and a half after the initial trip, and we made the decision that we wanted to get married. After some discussion we decided we would live in the US, as my master’s is useless in his country, but his economics degree is worth something here. He then applied for a fiancé visa and moved here in Feb of this year. Things were good for a while, until we went into lockdown.Ever since then it’s like nothing I do is good enough for him. I’m not clean enough, I act like I’m better and smarter than him because I have a job and he doesn’t (he can’t work because he doesn’t have employment authorization), and that I don’t care about the state I live in. He’s told me I won’t be a good mother because I’m messy and that he’s sick of me acting like a child.I feel like I should mention I have pretty bad depression, and have for a long time. I am messy because I have trouble getting energy to put things away, but I’m not dirty. I always throw out the trash and clean, I just leave books and papers out, as well as keep my clean clothes in a heap next to my side of the bed. I also put my shoes in a pile instead of on the shoe rack, and it drives him crazy.I would say since July he’s fallen into this pattern of saying everything is great for three weeks and then blowing up at me the fourth week, accusing me of not caring about what he says. I keep telling him to communicate to me when I do something wrong so I can correct it in the moment but he refuses because he “doesn’t want to make me upset”. He calls me lazy even though I’ve been trying really hard to be better. I’ve been cleaning up after myself, but he told me I wasn’t getting better “fast enough”. He also says things specifically to hurt me that I know he doesn’t really mean, like he doesn’t care about being married to me and wouldn’t mind being divorced. I admit I also shout when we argue but I’m constantly apologizing and I never say things to hurt him.He screamed at me yesterday and I felt something inside me snap. And I just don’t care about what he thinks anymore. I feel numb, and I self-injured for the first time in eight years right after he screamed at me. Afterwards I asked myself what I’m doing and didn’t have an answer.The funny thing is we’re on a waiting list for couple’s counseling because after the last fight I told him something needed to change or I would want a divorce. Now I feel like I don’t even want to see the counselor because I just don’t trust him at all, and he’s not doing anything to mend that, except he bought me flowers twice.I know I love him but do you think it’s worth trying to salvage this relationship? I’ve tried so hard to change to be the person he wants and it’s never good enough for him. The only thing I’ve ever asked from him is to communicate more which he refuses to do. He even refuses to apologize, and when I ask for one it’s a 50/50 chance he’ll refuse. via /r/relationship_advice https://ift.tt/3jUDNkK
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