My story so far and how things are going

I know no one asked and no one cares, but I've been really depressed the past few days and I got a letter in the mail confirming my court date will be on a phone call, so I started thinking about the things that led me here and I wanted to get it out. Thank you for reading if you did.I started questioning in 4th grade, when I was 9. But it wasn't until I was hospitalized in 6th grade that I figured everything out, so I was 12. I've had lots things happen since then, went by Kyle and he/him (mostly unsuccessfully) until 11th grade when I tried to de-transition for my parents sake. (Wearing girl clothes, shaving, letting people use that name) That lasted 4 - 5 months before I completely broke down.I'm now 19, 7 months on T, and my Mom, Aunt, and Cousin are mostly supportive of me.I'm also very stealth. I don't get called he/him or my name in my own house unless they push themselves to do so, but whenever I'm out alone I tend to pass as a boy. I don't want people to know I'm trans unless it's necessary. (doctors, teachers, legal stuff, etc)I've never gotten a chance to talk to anyone who also transitioned around the same age as me, or anyone who has a similar story as me. So I kinda wanted to share mine a bit more and possibly spark up a conversation about figuring stuff out at a young age, too.Feel free to click out of the post here, but for a more specific version of my story:For me, before 4th grade I thought I was a normal boy. I started realizing the differences between girls and boys, and I'd throw giant hissy fits in the mornings about clothes. I'd scream, cry, kick off my shoes, and at night I'd rip holes in my clothes so I wouldn't have to wear them again. It was also the cause of my first panic attack in 5th grade.In the start of 6th grade I became really unhappy and depressed, and attempted. I was hospitalized in my local mental health hospital, and was taught by my therapist about gender dysphoria and was diagnosed. I started asking to go by he/him and Kyle, which, apparently, I was the first one at my middle school to do so. It was a huge hassle and everyday after I allowed teachers and students to use whatever pronouns they wanted as long as they used Kyle and nothing else. This ruined my life. I never spoke to anyone unless spoken to. I never had any friends. I always sat in a classroom alone during lunch, all the way to senior year. I was the school tr*nny, and everyone knew even though I never spoke about it or brought it up.Like I said though, in 11th grade I tried to de-transition. God knows I tried. I spent my $230 that I'd saved up on girl clothes, a purse, and I threw out my two binders I owned. 4 months in this resulted in another attempt that only my mom knows about. I was okay physically, I just got really sick.I came out to my Mom for the second time after the attempt and apologized for everything, for being trans, for not being the way she wanted me to be, for being cowardly, etc. She understood and even told me she and my dad knew it was gonna happen. I found a local gender therapist, and 8 months later I started T. It'll be a year in February.For some reason, after she got obsessed with show called ''Wentworth'' she's started calling me Kyle and He/him as much as possible, esp when my Dad's not around. He's that kinda supportive/not supportive person whos exact words were ''whatever makes you happy, but you'll always be my babyg*rl.''She called me her son for the first time at my graduation party when talking to our new neighbors, who have a (self identified) queer kid who's a freshman. It meant the world to me, but the graduation party was covered in my birth name. My dad was there. It was in a church, too. I was incredibly anxious and down.I asked my Mom how she'd feel if I got my name legally changed a few months ago, and she was okay with it. So I spent the remainder of my $500 I got from the party on the name change petition. The rest was spent on stuff for my guinea pigs because I don't like asking my parents to buy stuff for them.I have $16 to my name now, but it's gonna be the best $238 dollars I'll ever spend.And, because of that, my Mom announced to the majority of my family that I'm going to be Kyle from now on. This has resulted in me finding out that a lot of them aren't as good as I thought they were. But my cousin has been staying with us for a few weeks since he's visiting from another state and has consistently called me Kyle and he/him the entire time.But, I still get the feeling that no matter what happens, they'll always have to force themselves to do it., and I feel like a burden. So I avoid everyone in my house besides my Mom.That's it. That's the whole story, honestly. I hope things get better in the future. I hope I'll become more of the person I want to be. For now, all I'm looking forward to is October 22nd. via /r/ftm https://ift.tt/34LFKJL