So for context, I was never a very religious person up until about a year or so ago. As a kid, my parents did believe in god but didn’t like actively go to church, and really didn’t seem to know all that much about the Bible. Around when I turned 9 or 10 or so, my mom was suddenly saved and she forced me and my dad to go to church every Wednesday and Sunday. My dad was saved shortly after as well, but overall he isn’t extreme about his beliefs when compared to my mom.I really didn’t like going to church in general, and after constant bickering my mom actually let me bring my ds with me. Her logic was that I would listen to the priest in the background, but we all know I didn’t lol. Around age 15 or so she stopped making me go.Thing was, I actually didn’t really believe in god at all for most of my church going time. Sometime in middle school, I had started looking up atheist related YouTube videos and other online info, and started to doubt my belief. I had always believed in god as a kid, I just never read the Bible and didn’t really know anything much about the specifics of Christianity. When my mom started making me go to church after being saved, I learned a little more about Christianity but for the most part didn’t learn much during church due to my adhd. (And by the time my mom let me start bringing my ds I had stopped even trying to pay attention)The breaking point of me losing my religion was one time me and my mom were walking outside of a grocery store. I had at the time been thinking a lot about religion and my own doubt in it, so in my head asked god a simple question: “Make the sky go black for a split second, and only I can see it, just to show me that you’re out there.” Weird request sure, but I was always a weird kid so w/e. As to the surprise of no one, nothing happened. On that day I had completely lost my religion.For most of my life in high school I just didn’t believe in god. I wasn’t like an edgy reddit atheist type, so I wasn’t flaunting this fact or anything. Whenever anyone at school asked about it, I always said something to the likes of “Well, if god is real why doesn’t he just come down here and tell us himself? Why does he act so cryptic about his existence, and if he didn’t want people to go to hell I’m sure him delivering a message would pretty much ensure that everyone on earth would go to heaven.”Skip forward to sometime in senior year, a traumatic event happened to me (don’t want to talk about it specifically for obvious reasons) and I suddenly started praying all the time. I still never read the Bible, but I believed that there was some sort of higher power helping me with my life. It was basically like I believed in a God, but not any particular one. I still had my doubts during these times, but always shot them down due to me being a nervous wreck, afraid that if I dare disrespect god by questioning his existence an event even worse than the previously mentioned traumatic one would happen to me.Recently, I’ve become a lot more chill about all of this. It’s been a year since that dreaded event and I’ve been questioning a lot more lately. I start to think that maybe I suddenly started believing in a god due to a mix of fear, anxiousness, and loneliness, rather than a genuine belief in a higher power. I also just see all of this awful, despicable shit being done in the name of religion and think that if there really is a god, why isn’t he doing anything about all of this?That was really long, rambly, and probably poorly written but I needed to ramble on about it to someone. via /r/exchristian https://ift.tt/2HxP4sI
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