I thought about making a fake account to post, but I think that the details are so specific that it won't matter. I have a TL:DR, but I don't think it can convey the level of insanity that happened. I can't even provide all the details due to how much happened and I'll try to condense as much as I can, but here are some details to know beforehand:We're both still pretty young and still figuring out life without having a lot of guidance to fall back on. We both have some mental health issues.Both sets of our parents are difficult to deal with. My one parent died from a drug overdose a few years ago. The other is still struggling with substances. SO's parents are unwell and difficult to deal with and make everything about them. For example, when my mother died and I posted on social media (I legit didn't think to tell SO's parents because I wanted some support from my online community), the first thing SO's mom did was message SO rudely asking why she hadn't been informed first and made it about her. No well wishes or how she could help. It isn't something that I think I can forgive.My teenaged sibling was removed and placed with us little while ago due to my father's problems with substances. My father was sent to rehab to deal with these issues. While there, a coronavirus outbreak occurred, so he was sent home, but it was too late. We are not exposed, but an adult sibling contracted the virus from our father. Dad is doing OK and home from the hospital, adult sibling is not doing too bad. My teenage sibling is having behavioral problems on and off, and not doing great with cyber school. I'm corresponding constantly with teachers. We have regular home visits that add to the stress.Many older members from both our families have needed our help during the pandemic, and especially lately. All of our cousins are crap grandchildren and don't help. We're both the helpful cousins who bother to come around and help, even pre-pandemic. That adds a lot of stress.Several members of my family have been in the hospital lately. I had to go, then the sibling that I brought in twice in one day, and then a grandparent who is starting to show signs of dementia, who I had to take over has power of attorney for while they were hospitalized for a bloody fall. We are all doing OK, but more stress.We neglected to tell SO's parents about all these issues because they and SO's extended family are not exactly the most supportive people and can make things about themselves. However, my adult sibling posted about having the virus and has some members of SO's family on that platform, but not SO's parents, but I said that it was better to tell them before they blew up over someone else telling them. Spoiler alert: It went worse than I could have expected.As you can see, we have a lot going on right now. Some days, it has been hard to find a moment to breath. We knew SO's parents weren't going to be supportive, so we put it off. Like I said, I put my foot down and told SO we needed to approach them before the news got out. I took control and messaged them. My strategy was that I'd introduce them to a few of the topics and give some details to give them time to process that, and then promise to give more details after I had taken care of a few matters. This actually went well and they were kind at first. But I posted some things on social media about my family having the virus, which was a mistake, admittedly, because that's when things took a bad turn. SO couldn't deal, so they cut out for a bit. I kept my cool and replied to their comments with as much grace and civility as I could. I even shared the whole conversations with close friends who I know would tell me if I was out of line, and they all agreed that I handled what SO's parents threw at me better than they ever could. I marched through, despite a racing heart and jelly legs (I'm figuring a small or partial panic/anxiety attack). Perhaps I should have ripped the whole bandaid off at once, but I thought cushioning it would help them be more reasonable.My initial summary had left them thinking that my teenaged sibling was with my family members that are sick and that the sibling was now with us and exposing us. Totally legit concerns and I respect that. I did tell them in the initial summary that there were more details that I would follow up with later with everything, but I assured them that we were all safe and that we were at no risk of being sick. Left it at that and went on with some important meetings that I had. Then I came back and the many hour blow up began. Before starting the story, I asked both parents to politely confirm separately that our privacy would be respected (they've blabbed business in the past), that the content would stay between us 4, and for them to not respond until I signaled the end of the story and I then relayed all the awful things that have happened, especially in the last two weeks. They respected my requests, so at least that happened.I then relayed all the things that I mentioned earlier in this post that we're experiencing and then some. I can't include all the details because it would make this post too long, but there are more things going on than what I've already relayed in this post. Nothing I did helped. I told them repeatedly that many of their concerns and feelings were valid. I was angry, but kept my typed words cool and respectful. I can't argue feelings, but I can disagree with the way that feelings influence words and actions. I never once told them that they were wrong at all for their feelings (save one time that I'll mention later). Y'all, for a short while, I thought I was going to lose the last parent that I have, yet again, to a preventable tragedy. But that wasn't enough for them to be sympathetic to my or our needs. When I signaled that I was done and that they could comment, the first comment was that we were helping everyone else besides SO's step-grandfather. SO's SG won't respond to our texts and invitations to social distance visit. SG has repeatedly cancelled and last we were told, they would contact us when they wanted to see us, which was months ago. It has actually caused a lot of emotional pain for SO, so I relayed this to SO's parents for the first time. SO has been too scared to tell their parents the truth about this subject, and many things. Maybe it wasn't my place, but SO won't tell them how they really feel about many issues. Once again, myself and our mutual friends saw the comments and said I was nothing but respectful. I was told to never speak about SO's SG to their parents ever again and that the SG had done more for us than I would ever know. A friend pointed out the manipulation at work. Funny thing is that I had said several times that I greatly respected SO's SG and made no negative comments, just that we were ghosted and that SO's feelings were hurt. It turns out that SO's SG is seemingly depressed, but we've tried and we can't help someone who doesn't want our help and can't manage to respond. SO's stepdad went on about how since SO's step-grandma died, that SG hasn't been the same. I'm sympathetic, but like I said, we tried to connect with the step-grandparents before and after her death and had no success. Besides making our issues about them, SO's parents made no comments about if they could help, gave no sympathies, or anything remotely positive was expressed. Nothing. They made it about their feelings and an unrelated topic. Everything is always about them.After a few hours, they began to question why my SO wasn't responding and that's where it all went to a level that even I still can't believe. SO chimed in with some comments, however, the parents felt that his comments conflicted with info from earlier. SO we were told that they were being disrespectful by not answering and responding. I relayed that SO wasn't in a good space and was taking care of himself in the moment (absolutely the truth). The parents said that SO needed to get on or the police were being called (they don't live close to us). SO doesn't like police and it would make matters worse. I politely relayed that it would trigger SO. I was told SO had 5 minutes to respond or police were being called. Then it was changed to if SO didn't pick up the call, a family member would be called to come to our home and check-in . They called and screamed at SO for about 30 minutes and totally manipulated the situation. They did ask SO to go to therapy, but made the situation about them, despite my many requests for love and support. I wanted so badly to hold SO's hand the whole time, but I knew I couldn't keep calm any longer, especially now that the conversation had transitioned to a phone call. My absence was me having SO's best interests at heart. Someone had to care about SO in a healthy way. SO confirmed later that their parents likely thought that they either had COVID, that I had grievously injured SO, or had killed SO and was trying cover up what ever it was that I did or was happening! I almost couldn't believe it. It was during this time where they were making threats using the police that I told them the "You are being inappropriate" and that was the only thing my friends felt could have been taken out of context, but also said that they wouldn't have had the courage to confront someone like that. When I said they were being appropriate, I was met with something like "Being afraid for our son is inappropriate?" and I said "No, your concerns are valid". It was an attempt at killing them with kindness and me trying not to escalate.I still don't know what all was said in the conversation, but SO is absolutely miserable. SO took the dog and went for a drive for a while last night. I was terrified the whole time, but didn't want to encroach on their space just like their parents did. So far, I've discovered that SO's parents aren't allowing SO to talk to their kid siblings. I don't know the terms and conditions, but I suspect it is as long as SO is involved with me and my situation. Yes, they weaponized their kids, which I expected could happen, but I'm still surprised. I also suspect some other family members have messaged SO privately and are, excuse my language, talking shit.I softly broached the topic of no contact, but SO, surprisingly, said that they only couldn't because they want to talk to their siblings. The surprising part is that it signaled to me that SO had actually considered no contact after this event, which I didn't think they ever would. We aren't sure what we're going to do next, but I've asked SO to start therapy after such a traumatizing night. I've asked that no rash decisions be made on either of our ends and that we take a week or two to process and discuss. I did already say that if we decide that we can longer deal with this situation, that we create a custody agreement for the dog. I also told SO that since their parents give the younger siblings everything that they want, that they'll give in to the kids demands to see their older siblings eventually. They kids adore SO more than anyone in the world. Furthermore, as a foster parent, I don't think that I can have my teenage anywhere close to this unhealthy of a situation and my priorities are keeping the sibling housed with me and not in the foster care system.Edit: The situation has confirmed to me that SO's parents might be full-fledged narcists and that they are definitely manipulative and emotionally abusive, even if it was because they care about SO. I can't say that I am always right and that I was absolutely 100% correct during this heated exchange, but I feel that at minimum, I handled it well, validated, never shamed, and said I was sorry for how things made them feel, while they made it all about them. I just keep telling myself the words of Elenor Roosevelt (allegedly): "No one can make you feel inferior with out your consent." SO isn't necessarily upset with me, but definitely admitted how not okay their parents were and how they acted.TL:DR: SO's parents couldn't be emotionally intelligent enough to support us during a very trying time in our lives and many obstacles in our way. They disapprove and are jealous of us taking in my teenaged sibling in as a foster while my father is getting help and is now sick with covid-19. A big argument ensued and now SO's parents are weaponizing younger siblings against them. Not sure what our next steps are, but I don't know, despite how much we love each other, if we can navigate our situation together any longer. No rash decisions are being made and all the children in our lives are being prioritized as best we can right now. SO's parents tried to force a wellness check because they thought I had inured or killed SO and was trying to cover it up. They manipulated the situation, were emotionally abusive, and confirmed themselves as Class-A narcissists. via /r/JUSTNOMIL https://ift.tt/3dzJSRc
No comments:
Post a Comment