I know that to the older crowd, and probably some of the younger crowd, my story will sound ridiculous and stupid. If you think so then that's fine but if you have any advice then be please be kind and let me hear it.My situation isn't at all dire or unique, it just sucks. I (18M) met this girl (18F) online about a year and a half ago. We both live in the states, but quite a distance away from each other. About 12 hours drive to be exact. We bonded a bit over our musical tastes and started talking more after that, and then started calling each other over the phone and talking for hours. We quickly became great friends. We talked about all sorts of stuff. Some of the stuff I guess I'm not very comfortable sharing, but you can probably imagine that it was just about anything under the sun.Over time we grew closer and decided to have a FWB type deal, both understanding that because of our distance, and the fact that we were still in school, we would probably never be able to really meet up or date so we were both comfortable with the fact that if either person found a SO then we would stop doing FWB things immediately and carry on being friends.A few months passed (Probably around December 2019 here) and we kinda distanced a bit and stopped talking till about February of 2020. She had in that time gotten into and out of a relationship with a really huge jerk who was fickle and emotionally abusive. I didn't especially mind so much because during that time we weren't so attached and our time apart seemed natural. We did still talk on occasion and keep streaks on snapchat but not nearly as much as we had. By the time quarantine had kicked in we were back into the swing of things, better friends then ever and still doing the FWB thing but it wasn't really as in the foreground as it was before we stopped talking.We started to get very involved with eachother around august, we talked about meeting up since we were graduated, and what plans for the future we might have if meeting up in person went well. Despite these talks, neither of us made any commitment to the other and i think that was mostly because of the fact that many things could still intervene like parents, jobs, emergency events, etc., but we still had a date set out for halloween weekend. Then around september we started to grow apart again, except this time it's way more awkward. We both ended up having to cancel the trip for one reason or another and after that talking just hasn't been the same.About two weeks ago we were talking and she said she went to a party that was a birthday celebration for a friend of her's and she met this nice guy. They talked for most of the duration of the party and he asked for her number. At this point I was pretty prepared for her to at least start talking to the guy (or so i thought) and I even thought i was prepared for them to start dating but i wasn't.(From here on out I'm sorry if things get more jumbled and the grammar gets worse.)This Monday she went on a date this the guy after they had been talking. The date went resoundingly well apparently and since then I've been really and truly jealous. I've had crushes before get swept up by someone else before but this feels 100x more intense. I have to keep myself busy or else every idle thought is about how i could be in a better position with her or how badly i want to be the one she's talking to or how the only reason she started dating him is because i wasn't good enough. The self-deprecating thoughts aren't simple ones either. They go back to things like "What if i had spent more of my childhood being social and bettering my language skills, then we would still be talking more". I'm even having fucking body confidence problems. I'm a skinny and tall white guy who has no need to be thinking like that. My mind is torn between curling up in the dark on my bed and working out until I pass out so I can look better. Most of my thoughts are split now. It's like there's my normal voice of reason that I developed over years of experience in situations saying "You knew this would happen eventually, people meet people, life happens." and some damn ego brain bullshit saying that she should be mine and I should be angry about it.That ego brain has been there since I was a kid. Through late elementary and middle school I was a red hot short-fused ball of anger that couldn't take a joke and nobody liked, but over time I learned patience and control and I got a hold of it, but it's so depressing knowing that the angry me is still there. It feels like so much work gone to waste.I feel like I should have done more. I should have put my dumb near minimum wage job on hold so I could have seen her, and used my human privilege of free will as an 18-year-old to tell my parents I was going on a plane ride for a trip for the weekend and nothing could stop me. Call me a simp or what have you but if she was okay with it I would jump on a plane right now and see her. I don't know... I feel like I'm being replaced or something. Even though we stopped talking as frequently almost a month ago I feel this burning jealousy on the back of my neck telling me to do something about it.I can't even talk to her about this. It will make things more awkward than they already are and I'll be none the better for it.Can someone please help me out with how to deal with this? Everything I said in these last few blocks of text isn't even all. I'm in such pain over something so trivial and I don't understand why.TL;DR: I'm jealous over a girl that lives hundreds of miles away from me because she is dating a dude and i know i shouldn't be.Some final, non-frantic, notes here. I liked her originally because I had never met anyone like her. She put in effort and i was able to reciprocate. I had also never had anyone treat me with that sort of love, never had a girlfriend and such (I'm on reddit asking for advice... did you expect much?). Maybe one of the reasons that i'm mad is that i've squandered a chance that i might never get back. I doubt i'll ever find anyone else like her. via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/2GPAWLM
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