Tuesday, October 13, 2020

I was psychologically abused and emotionally neglected by my family growing up. Now I'm left with emotional hunger, a long list of mental illness, and yesterday I lost my bestfriend/ the first person I ever felt safe with.


I'm a 25 year old guy that has been hurt by every single people I care about and is supposed to care about me. I'm the youngest of two but the only planned child. My parents met while my father was in bootcamp, my mom being a waitress at the time. They barely knew each other before my mother got pregnant with my brother. They get married and 9 months later my brother arrives. My father wasn't present at his birthing for reasons I don't know. He was at mine though. Growing up, I was "protected" by my mother from my fathers abuse. My brother wasn't. From the time I was born until now years old, I was emotionally neglected by my parents on top of being emotionally and sometimes physically abused by my older brother. My extended family was aware of it to some degree but had no real proof and if they intervened, my parents wouldn't let them see us. Or that's what they were afraid of. So nothing was ever resolved. My family is very "sweep it under the rug" about family matters. "if you don't talk about it, it's not there" kinda deal. At age 5, my mother packed up all our things in our hometown and moved 3 states away to our grandmothers. When I say moved, I mean she was running from my father. She didn't tell him. Obviously he follows us and it only got worse from there. Finally, at age 7 my mother divorces my dad. I had a choice of a emotionally neglectful mother or an alcoholic father who I was (still am) terrified of. We went with her. For the next 9 years it was more emotional neglect from my parents, never feeling truly loved and more psychological and physical abuse from my brother. All the anger he had at my father, he also had with me because I was being "protected". Through my teenage years it's just more of the same. In my early teens, I was the "emo" kid through and through. I had a major self harm problem that stuck with me until I was probably 17. I started smoking pot very young, around 12 and it was downhill from there. I started drinking in highschool, had a fake ID at 15 but only drank on the weekends. I would never be "that guy" as I had friends who were ontop of my father. One fast, intense relationship after another and then I meet my 2nd to last girlfriend. Our relationship was bad from the beginning, her being much younger than me and I being 19. I'm disgusted with myself when I think about that time. I was lonely, I suppose. That lasted about a year and in it I started to drink heavily. Wine and beer at first but by the end of it, I had switched to vodka. Then I met my ex. My ex is a woman older than me, about 9 years older to be exact and she has borderline personality disorder. It was untreated and undiagnosed until this year. The way we met was not good, her being an escort. For the first 6 months of our relationship she stayed with that "job". I played stay at home boyfriend and took care of her house and kid. Those 6 months fucked me up more than I ever realized but in those months I became a true alcoholic. At my worst, a bottle of vodka a day. 5 years go by, 2 stays in rehab, countless abuse from the both of us, and we finally go our seperate ways last novemeber.On sunday I had to say goodbye to someone I only knew for a month but she has impacted my life the most out of any person and she is the first woman I genuinely loved and loved me. She is married though. I met her and her husband at the end of august, they're swingers. We had our fun but her an I clicked like no other. Over the weeks leading to this weekend, we grew closer and closer. We were lying to ourselves saying we were just friends, we both knew it. I eventually admitted to feelings and she nodded but said "I can't say it out loud, I feel so guilty about" so I didn't make her. She has only been in one other relationship, also a marriage and it was incredibly abusive. She left that man for this man. I quickly saw that he was also abusive, and over the weeks I unintentionally opened her eyes to it. All the while, I wasn't DOING anything wrong. I was her only "friend" and her mine. The husband is bi curious and I will play with guys occasionally, so I think that's why he put up with the clear emotional affair. Going into this weekend I had the worst feeling, I just knew it wasn't going to end well. We go out of town together to another couples vacation home. Friday goes well, saturday morning and afternoon do as well. Saturday night, shit hit the fan. Her husband is in a mood but she wants to go to a club. She convinces him to go and tells me to get dressed but I knew that if he was in a mood that me being there would ensure no one has a good time. I told her I wasn't coming and why, she's sad but sees my logic. Says it'll earn points in his book though. They leave. At a little after midnight, she comes running in the door. We make eye contact and she just breaks down, crying hysterically saying how she's "never been so afraid" in her life. Long story short, they get in a huge fight over me. He blows up on her for the 2nd time this month (2nd time in their 1.5 year relationship) and it's about me. Not something I did, but about the sex. She sleeps on my bed that night, I sleep on the couch, and him in the room they had together. Next morning, he gives her an ultimatum. Me or the marriage. We talk about it and agree that she needs to go with him. I have no means to take care of her and her kids right now and she has no where else to go. Over the next 90 minutes we are just sobbing and holding each other, knowing that this very well could be the last time we ever see one another. I had realized earlier that week that I loved her. Well, I finally admitted it to myself. She was the first woman I have ever loved that I felt truly deserved it so I told her but I wasn't expecting what came next. When the words came out, she buried her face into me and started to cry even harder. Nothing is said for a few minutes, I ask her if that was too far or too much. She said no, that she loves me too. It was my time to leave though. I ask her to walk with me to my car, she holds my hand the way there as we walk past her husband. We couldn't speak, there was nothing to say. We just stood there and held eachother as tight as I've ever held someone before. I couldn't let go, I couldn't but I had to. The last words she said to me were "I love you" and that was it. I've been blocked on all forms of communication like we knew he would make her do. All I have to remember her by is one picture of us and a necklace she gave me to remember her by.I've never felt this kind of hurt before. Not when my bestfriend in highschool died, not when my ex told me she didn't love me anymore. Never. I can barely breath. I'm never going to recover from this. I just don't see it the light at the end of this tunnel.And yes I feel like an ass for ruining that marriage but if by me treating her with basic respect and some extra comments of how pretty she is did that, that marriage was never going to last. via /r/emotionalneglect https://ift.tt/3dt2Toy

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