Said I didn't want to be married, now I'm changing my mind.

We're both in our 30s, have been dating for 2 years. He's divorced (no kids), I've never been married.We discussed marriage early on in the relationship. He actually asked me first, "What are your thoughts on marriage?" I sort of half answered - I said wedding culture is toxic, and that a ring and ceremony is less important than a solid relationship and good communication to me. He told me how happy he was to hear that, and how he doesn't really want to have another wedding or be married again. He had a very "been there, done that" attitude. I added "I guess I can see the perk if you're going to start a family", which he refuted with a bunch of data he had about how to set up legal documents that will protect a family without the parents needing to be married.It's been a great 2 years and we both intend to stay together forever, as far as words go. We started discussing kids recently, and he asked if next summer I'd like to go off of my birth control and start trying for kids. I'd love nothing more than to raise a family with this man.Here's the thing.... I've been reconsidering the marriage thing.Some of it is practical reasons - yes we could go through a bunch of lawyers and set up rights and inheritances and all of that. Or, we could just.... get married. Which is, as far as I understand, really just a streamlined process for this very typical use case scenario.Some of it is emotional. I find myself wishing I could call him my husband. Feeling a weird envious of his ex-wife, who he shopped for a ring for, plotted out the perfect moment, got on one knee for and proposed his undying love. Looking at old social media, he was so proud to call her his wife. I feel cheated of that.I still don't want a wedding. I think my ideal scenario would be either of a courthouse wedding with a nice honeymoon or an elopement. But I'm tired of pretending that I dont want this man to be my husband.I'm nervous for the next steps.... telling him feels like I'm contradicting myself. And I don't know if there's an outcome that I'd be happy with. He either says no, he won't do it and I need to decide how much it really matters to me, or he says "ok fine, lets get married", and a jaded proposal is almost worse than no proposal.I feel silly for feeling envious - he wants kids with me, thats a way bigger commitment than marriage. But I can't be silent anymore. How should I go about this? via /r/relationship_advice https://ift.tt/34xzrtq