My brother killed himself, my mom just tried again.

Lost my brother to suicide, my mom tried tooThe last year has been the absolute worst of my life, my brother at age 37 was raped in july-2019, he tried to kill himself in September-2019, I separated from my husband in September-2019 and it's been a NASTY custody battle that is still going, my mom tried to kill herself in December-2019 and spent Christmas committed, in February-2020 my brother tried again, in march-2020 I moved back in with my parents with my kids, and on June 28 2020 my brother succeeded in killing himself at age 38 alone across the country from all of us a month after getting his PhD. In august-2020 my boyfriend and I moved into the house next to my parents. My summer of 2020 was a whirlwind of my mother having multiple nervous breakdowns and screaming through the night and with 5 kids to take care of and a step dad who is useless I've felt utterly alone. My boyfriend tries to help but there is only so much he can do. Yesterday my mom tried jumping out of the truck at 60mph, trying to kill herself again.Today, I come home to find my parents trying to bully my boyfriend into driving my mom to pick up a car an hour away, with the kids in the car. I had to yell at both my parents that they were crazy to think she should be passenger on the freeway again, he said "Well, she's a lot better today!". I yelled again and he finally understood ehat an idiot he was being.I'm angry, not just a little mad, I'm viciously angry in my soul. My big brother is dead, I know I'm wrong to say it but my mother is freaking selfish, my ex husband is a selfish piece of shit, my step father is making things worse, and I haven't been able to grieve or even emotionally process the last year. I want to scream and hit things but I keep it bottled up because everyone needs me more. I can't afford psychiatric help, but I feel like I'm at the verge of a psychotic break, I can't handle this anymore. I would say I want to die too, but my family has been through enough and I'm not going to be that selfish one. All I know how to do is put my head down and keep going, and be there for the people I love, but I feel lost and broken and empty.I don't know what I'm looking for here, someone with similar experience? I feel like the world is crashing down around me and I frozen in place waiting to be crushed. via /r/SuicideWatch https://ift.tt/3nubo7f