I'm not really sure if I'm looking for support or advice or just to hear that other people feel this too. I've been down for a little while but I feel like I'm burdening my friends with my need to vent.I'm not out, and just transitioning without letting anyone know. Been about 1.5 years post surgery and about to hit 6 months low dose T. Not usually hard to keep it a secret since I live in a different city than I was born and raised.I've had to go visit my dad out of state to help him with some stuff. Stayed with him for a month and a half. Had to pretend I was a girl. Felt bad, man. Can't really describe how bad it felt, don't think I have to, y'all get it. Going back into a parents house makes me feel like just a kid. Losing my agency, losing my lifestyle, losing my gender expression. Had to wear pants to hide my hairy legs and tattoos. There's a bunch more shit there like I know my dad knows (how can he not, literally am boobless now) and he tries to hint to me to come out but also says shit like coming out is stupid. I also have a younger sister who is trans and he didnt take it great, but says stuff like it'd be different if it were me. Not sure how true that is, and if anything If I ever did come out and he took it good, what would that do to my sister? Idk man that's not really what this is about. Whatever, I got through the visit. Flew back into LAX and now I'm hanging out with my mom for a few more days before I go back to my city. I'm sticking around not only for my mom but I've got a cousin and an aunt from out of the US that I haven't seen in 10 years.Now here's the question, I guess. Do you ever feel like you want to be a girl for other people?I think this is hitting me hard bc I've been zipped up for more than a month before this. I use to walk around shirtless and now I only get to see myself before and after a shower.. My aunt got me a skirt and a .. pirate blouse (?) Bc she doesn't really know me. Saw me once 10 years ago. I put on some tights and wore it to make her happy, and I was happy she was happy, and I felt like I was playing a part and doing a really good job. I even took a picture, and none of it felt bad until the next day, when I looked at the picture. When I was off the high of making someone else happy, and just saddled with... My own feelings.Saw my old neighbor friend, again it's been 10 years since we stopped talking. Again I felt like, damn I wish I could be the girl they were expecting. I'm sure they're looking at me like nothing is amiss (which also kills me..) idk I think I'm afraid I'll never pass and also afraid of passing. Is that bonkers? To be afraid of passing?Idk I've never really come out... I just let people draw their own conclusions. Came out once for a good friend who moved away before I had surgery, but I already knew he would take it well. His wife actually had asked him if I was transitioning before I told him. That felt good then..So... Anyone want to be something other than you are for other people? Anyone afraid of passing? Anyone willing to call me handsome and slip in a he/him no matter how awkwardly phrased ? via /r/ftm https://ift.tt/3lsA7aa
No comments:
Post a Comment